Newton's Optic:In the spirit of co-operation between member statelets, Newton Emersondrafts a new Lisbon Treaty that might be acceptable to Sinn Féin
Article 1
The new name of the European Union shall be "The 26 Countries".
Article 2
For the purposes of this new name, plus other purposes, the United Kingdom shall no longer be recognised as a country.
Article 3
The 26 Countries shall have a single legal personality, in addition to its numerous illegal personalities.
Article 4
MEPs will receive only the average industrial wage, where the industry in question is fuel smuggling.
Article 5
Member states shall promote the free flow of DVDs and cigarettes across their borders.
Article 6
The difference between the European Council and the Council of Europe shall be no greater than the difference between Northern Ireland and the North of Ireland.
Article 7
The Council of Ministers shall not include any Free Presbyterian ministers.
Article 8
All new directives shall be preceded by a telephone warning.
Article 9
The sovereignty of national parliaments elected in 1919 shall be respected. Other parliaments may be subject to approval.
Article 10
Qualified majority voting shall be introduced on qualification that the majority is not Protestant.
Article 11
The 26 Countries shall adopt a charter of fundamental rights, equalities, inclusions, communities and so on (offer excludes south Armagh.)
Article 12
Everyone shall have a charter of responsibilities, especially the media.
Article 13
The President of the 26 Countries shall have absolute authority. And a beard.
The President shall hold office for two and a half years or life, whichever is the longer.
Article 14
James Connolly shall continue to spin in his grave on a six-month rotation.
Article 15
The 26 Countries shall have a High Representative for Foreign Affairs, especially during "sightseeing" trips to Colombia.
Article 16
The 26 Countries shall have a common securocrat policy.
Article 17
Member states shall invest in their armies. Certain armies shall then invest in Bulgarian timeshare apartments.
Article 18
The 26 Countries shall have a single private army, but it may only be deployed on peace process keeping missions.
Article 19
Nothing shall prejudice the neutrality of Ireland unless it involves Cuba, Israel, Venezuela or the Basque Country.
Article 20
The European Parliament shall have no say over national fiscal policy, except the €500 tax on Donegal holiday homes, which shall be abolished.
Article 21
The European Central Bank shall keep at least £26.5 million on deposit at all times.
Article 22
The 26 Countries shall maintain a whine lake.
Article 23
The 26 Countries accept that it is undemocratic to hold referendums repeatedly until you get the "right answer".
Except in the case of Irish unification, obviously.