Newton's opticFormer US vice-president Al Gore has been ordered not to show his Nobel Peace prize to schoolchildren after a judge found 13 factual errors in the medal committee's proceedings writes Newton Emerson
1: In its opening moments, the committee decided that awarding a medal to Mr Gore would somehow damage the standing of President Bush. In fact, there is a clear consensus among Americans that the Nobel Peace prize is only ever won by homosexual communists.
2: The committee accepted Mr Gore's explanation for the mysterious disappearance of Lake Chad. In fact, this was a coded reference to hanging chads and the mysterious disappearance of Mr Gore's Florida vote.
3: The committee warned Mr Gore that a shelf collapsing under the weight of a Nobel medal could kill a polar bear standing directly below. In fact, scientists believe that the shelf would make enough noise as it collapsed to scare any polar bears away.
4: The committee told Mr Gore's publishers that they might face a sudden flood of orders for his 1992 book Earth in the Balance. In fact, there are still enough copies left to cause all the shelves in the world to collapse.
5: Committee members felt that if taxes in Norway rose any higher, Norwegians would all have to be evacuated to New Zealand. In fact, New Zealand only accepts immigrants with useful skills.
6: The committee had no problem with Mr Gore's repeated references to "the melting of Greenland". In fact, Greenland would only melt at a temperature of 1,200 degrees - although the ice on top of it would melt somewhat sooner.
7: The committee also saw no danger in Mr Gore's repeated references to Mount Kilimanjaro. In fact, this reminds everyone of 1980s hit Africaby Toto, causing global waves of horror and nausea.
8: In their 1980s hit Africa, Toto sang of: "the drums echoing tonight, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti". In fact, Kilimanjaro is over twice as high as Olympus, and it is unlikely that any sound would echo across open grassland.
9: The committee endorsed Mr Gore's view that in the future all the coral in the oceans will be bleached white. In fact, this is a serious violation of the Coral Race Relations Act. It may also be offensive to sponges.
10: The committee's citation included a line stating that there is no hope for atolls.
In fact, it should have included two lines, stating that there is no hope atoll atoll.
11: The committee believed that jumping on the climate change bandwagon would accelerate the glacial pace of the awards ceremony. In fact, no evidence for this has been observed.
12: The Peace prize committee welcomed the Nobel prize for Literature awarded to Doris Lessing. In fact, members were secretly furious that two science fiction authors had been honoured at the same time.
13: The committee hoped that its explicit rejection of fossil fuels would send out an implicit anti-war message.
In fact, Norway is the world's third-largest exporter of both oil and gas, petroleum accounts for 20 per cent of its GDP and it has just licensed drilling under the Arctic. And Alfred Nobel was an arms manufacturer.