RITE AND REASON:We need to be attentive to overt and hidden sorrows in our own lives and in those of others, writes Susan Delaney
THERE IS something about Christmas that intensifies all our emotions. Most of us have very strong memories of childhood Christmases - be they positive or negative.
The hype which begins in October and the expectations that build up in the weeks before Christmas Day can make it a very difficult time for those of us who are bereaved.
Approximately 30,000 people die in Ireland every year. If 10 people are affected by each death, that is 300,000 people facing their first Christmas without a significant person.
The first Christmas brings particular challenges. Perhaps the person who died is the person who picked out the tree, made the Christmas pudding or played some other important part in the family traditions.
Their absence can be felt very keenly and decisions have to be made about how to accommodate the loss. Many families choose to have a quieter Christmas out of respect to the person who has died.
It is tempting and understandable to try to ignore the fact that Christmas is approaching.
But it is better to acknowledge the time of year that is in it and to try to make a plan for surviving what might indeed be a difficult time.
Some people like to visit the grave and put holly or ivy on it. Others light a candle or remember the person in a few words at the dinner table.
Grieving is tiring and energy- sapping, so try to also plan a little quiet time for yourself when you can have a lie down or go for a short walk.
While we can easily understand the difficulty that a family death can bring, it is important to remember that there are many other people who experience hidden losses at this time. For example, couples who had always hoped to have children and are still childless, or people who had hoped that this would be the year they found a partner and now find themselves still single at the end of the year.
A person in a same-sex relationship may be grieving the loss of their partner. Their pain may be compounded by the fact that their loss has not been openly acknowledged by their family or the wider community.
A woman may grieve a secret abortion or early miscarriage many decades before or a person who was adopted may spend time mourning the fact that he or she has not been able to track down birth parents.
If the truth be told, few people get through the Christmas season without some sadness. For many people life has not worked out as they imagined and those disappointments are intensified at this time, particularly when it seems - from the outside - that everyone else is having a wonderful time.
As you inevitably focus on the absence that this year brings, try to take a moment to notice who is present in your life and who has supported you through the difficult times.
If you have been bereaved this year, remind yourself that the grief journey takes time and that most people experience days when they are coping quite well and other days when they feel ambushed by their grief and just getting through the day can be a challenge.
It may indeed be a very sad time, but even on the most difficult of days something unexpected can happen that lifts your spirits even for a few moments - it might be carol singers on Grafton Street, the sound of children laughing, or a thoughtful note through the letter box letting you know that others are thinking of you at this time.
Dr Susan Delaney is the bereavement services manager, at the Irish Hospice Foundation (IHF).
The IHF has a series of leaflets on different aspects of bereavement.
These are available from the library (tel: 679 3188) or may be downloaded from the website: www.hospice-foundation.ie