Madam, – Today and every day since the publication of the Ryan report, I am drowning in the crush of emotions molestation victims everywhere feel. Sometimes – nearly always – you want to block out the these things in your life and erase the memories.
Even over here in the US, I still feel the pain of those things which were so bad that I was never able to tell family or friends – largely because I didn’t have the language skills to talk to anybody about such outrage.
I have decided to talk publicly here for the first time in the hope that if other people ever face such difficulties they will know that silence is not the answer.
“Jerry, go lock all the doors in the house.” It’s a strange but it’s my teacher and I feel safe, but he is closing all the blinds. I wonder if it’s a game, but he seems very strange today. I am scared now. I “allow” these terrible things to be done.
The crush of emotions, the fear, the guilt, the shame, anger and betrayal are all still with me 50 years later. In the years since I often wondered, why? But I have forgiven him.
The profound feeling of grief,impotence and desperation has remained with me since. My identity has always been wrapped up in my abuse. I often tried to recapture my lost innocence and my emotions – but couldn’t. A type of darkness descended on me that day that reflected my fear and hurt and has been pervasive all my life.
Will the Christian Brothers ever open up to the torture and pain endured by myself and the others?
I don’t want representatives going to talk with Br Kevin Mullan of the Christian Brothers. I wish to talk for myself and say that the way the debate has been conducted in Ireland is a disgrace. It’s camouflage. Hiding behind the piousness and expressions of regret. The same expressions I received from the cardinals, bishops and heads of the religious congregations in Rome: Very sorry and we’ll pray for you.
I have been to the Laffoy commission and was heard, will I now be heard by the Irish Christian Brothers, or what new strategy will be used by their media advisers to stifle the debate? The expressions of sorrow were not one blessed bit of good to me, my family or my grandchildren.
How do you compensate somebody whose life has been so profoundly skewed by the horror of such horrendous clerical abuse?
Here in the US the diocese and the Orders were culpable and made to pay the price.
But I cannot be repaid for my lost life or for the indignity of not hearing me.
We are all tarnished by the shame that has been visited on us. Is there ever going to be a Christian response? The events of recent weeks and the publication of the report opened up for me again the horrors of the past.
It must never happen again. One generation is enough. – Yours, etc,