Fan mail in the bunker as Saddam goes postal

Newton Emerson has intercepted a touching correspondence which he brings to Irish Times readers.

September 11th

Dear Samira, I am sorry to hear that you are running short of funds. Perhaps just one floor of the Beirut Sheraton would be sufficient for your needs? It is true that I have a large suitcase full of $100 bills here in my secret location, but alas it is not possible to send the suitcase to you for safekeeping as you thoughtfully suggest. Instead I have sent you some cash using the usual courier method. You may want to wear gloves when you spend it. Your loving husband, Saddam.

September 19th

Dear Samira, I am glad to hear that Ali misses me but he is a young man now and must not cry for his father. Instead, he must return to Iraq and die in a glorious gunfight against the Americans, like the sons of my other wife.

When the time comes, he can be sure that I will do the same. Your loving husband, Saddam.

September 25th

Dear Samira, I am sorry to hear that the Filipino maid put the wrong colour of toilet paper in your master bathroom. I have completely run out of toilet paper in my secret location and almost considered using some of the $100 bills from the suitcase but alas those happy days are long behind us. This morning my bodyguard produced an old Dinar note with my face on it and said "Use this - everybody else does". So now I have no toilet paper and no bodyguard. Your loving husband, Saddam.

October 2nd

Dear Samira, I am sorry to hear that Ali must be flown to Ibiza for urgent medical attention. Unfortunately I can not send any more money from the suitcase right now as the courier was injured by a particularly long letter from Tony Benn. Still, at least the toilet paper problem has been solved. Your loving husband, Saddam.

October 13th

Dear Samira, I am sorry to hear that the air conditioner is broken in your balcony suite. Ali must phone reception and ask them to fix it. Remind him to press "9" first, poor boy, he has had so little preparation for the hardships of exile. I have only a small electric fan here in my secret location. This morning my new bodyguard said "Well Mr President, at least you still have one fan." So now I have no air conditioner and no bodyguard. Your loving husband, Saddam.

October 19th

Dear Samira, Thank you for sending me your complimentary hotel copy of the Guardian, from which the courier has almost recovered. I am generally pleased with the coverage so far, although I fear my remaining Republican Guards will be offended by the term "Saddam Loyalists". Surely Paul Foot knows this? Your loving husband, Saddam.

October 30th

Dear Samira, This morning I instructed the new bodyguard to dig a larger secret location for me nearer town.

Unfortunately he struck oil three feet down and the Americans arrived within minutes. I swear those devils can smell oil, but God be praised at least they can not smell me, which is frankly rather surprising. Your loving husband, Saddam.

November 11th

Dear Samira, I am not amused by Ali's little joke. Only a silly boy laughs at the words Ba'ath and Shi'ite under any circumstances, and under my current circumstances this was particularly disrespectful. Your loving husband, Saddam.

November 23rd

Dear Samira, I am sorry to hear that the mini-bar has no ice maker. It is very hot here in my secret location and the milk goes off straight away, which you know I hate. Do you remember what happened when Chemical Ali overheard me saying "I can't stand curds"? Goodness, how we laughed. Those were happy times, happy times. Your loving husband, Saddam.

December 12th

Dear Samira, The latest bodyguard has just told me that the Americans have put a $30 million price on my head! I am sure that you and Ali are as outraged to learn of this as I am. Your loving husband, Saddam.

December 13th

Dear Samira, I fear this is the end, I can hear the Americans outside, they are shouting "Ace in the hole! Ace in the hole!" Damn, how did they find me? I should never have sent that "Greetings from Sunny Tikrit" postcard to George Galloway. Still do not worry my dear, for you and Ali will not be poor. I have a feeling that our Halliburton shares are about to go through the roof. Your loving husband, Saddam.

Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com