Newton's optic: Bird flu could bring chickens home to roost for the Northern Ireland parties, writes Newton Emerson.
As experts warn that bird flu could kill up to half of Northern Ireland's population, the question everyone is asking is - which half?
With both communities already effectively quarantined from each other in every sphere of daily life, a pandemic could conceivably wipe out one side while leaving the other completely untouched. Last night, representatives from across the political spectrum united to welcome this possibility.
"The unionists are history if their chickens come home to roost," said a Sinn Féin spokesman. "Finally, republicans will pay for their fowl deeds," added a DUP spokesman.
Epidemiologists are divided over which community is more susceptible to the H5N1 virus, which has a 100 per cent mortality rate among the 62 people who have so far died from it.
"The disease won't really start killing Northerners in useful numbers until it jumps the species barrier," explained Dr Pat Answer, who lectures in Sectarian Biology at Dublin Sunday Business College.
"My guess is that republicans will catch bird flu first, given their propensity for crowing, flapping and feathering their own nests. Besides, unionists are clearly immune from anything carried by doves."
However Sr Alice Reid, who lectures everyone at every opportunity, believes that unionists will be the worst affected.
"The IRA will soar like an eagle, but not like a Nazi eagle, because only the Prods are Nazis and they all deserve to die!" said Sr Reid, adding "Peace be with you".
Preparations for a possible outbreak are already well advanced across the North. In Portadown, which is the centre of Northern Ireland's chicken-processing industry, Catholics report "a dramatic improvement in the local job market". In west Tyrone, which is home to several experimental ostrich farms, Protestants report "no more objection to sticking our heads in the sand".
The PSNI says anyone caught attempting to spread the disease will be brought up before the beak and retailers have moved quickly to reassure nervous consumers. "For now, poultry products are no more dangerous than they have ever been," said a press officer. The British government has also invited leading local politicians to a Christmas dinner emergency summit.
An epidemic which kills only Protestants, or Catholics, is just one of several fantasy natural disasters which have long consoled the people of Northern Ireland during dark moments of hope.
Other imaginary calamities include a highly selective meteor shower, a particularly capricious tornado, an earthquake along just one of the North's two major fault-finding lines, or a tidal wave striking the coast at an angle of precisely 116 degrees south by southwest, wiping out Newry, Newcastle, north and west Belfast and the wrong half of Derry, while leaving Protestant areas untouched - except Carrickfergus, which would certainly be a price worth paying.
Meanwhile, officials have advised the public to remain calm.
"Our projections show that a bird flu outbreak is very unlikely to kill more than 3,700 people," said a Northern Ireland Office spokesman. "So if the worst happens, we'll just wait a few years then pretend that it didn't."
A military wing was unavailable for comment.