This Christmas throws up a primetime head-to-head between 'Eastenders'and 'Downton Abbey', writes BERNICE HARRISON
BACK IN the day, when midnight Mass was on after the pubs closed and the only way anyone knew how to cook Brussels sprouts was to boil the colour out of them, the Christmas movie on TV was a very big deal.
In 1989 more than 20 million people tuned in to the BBC for Crocodile Dundeeon Christmas Day. Nowadays even ratings juggernauts such as Strictly Come Dancingor X Factorcan only dream of those viewing figures.
For some years after that, the big movie still was the flashy centrepiece of the seasonal TV schedules. It usually didn't win as big an audience as whatever catastrophe, divorce or baby snatching Eastendersor Coronation Streethad lined up (they're a grim lot in soapland at this time of year) – but it was a welcome, something-for-all-the-family glossy Hollywood offering nevertheless.
But cable TV and the speed that movies go from the cinema to DVD killed it, though it's taken the networks, who ploughed on regardless, a little time to notice. I can't be the only one who was bored into weary submission by repeated Christmas showings of the various Shreks, Harry Pottersand Casino Royale.
But look across the TV listings this year and you'll see that the big Christmas movie is officially dead. On Christmas Day it's a primetime head-to-head between Eastendersand Downton Abbey, while all other stations have quietly raised the white flag in the face of such audience grabbers.
There are just two Christmas Day primetime movies: RTÉ2 is showing the relatively ancient Independence Day, while on TV3 it's The Bourne Identity, a film that seems to be on nearly as often as the news – two low-cost offerings that are all about defeat in the face of popular drama.
The real ratings battle this Christmas is Downtonversus Albert Square; genteel costume series versus gobby chav soap.
In Eastendersthe drawn-out plot featuring an abusive doctor attempting to kidnap his wife and bring her to Pakistan reaches its climax, and as soapland is a dangerous place at this time of year for an expendable cast member, expect at least one spectacular death. And that's before the Square's old stalwart Pat Butcher's much-hyped demise.
Good for you, if after all that rich food, you have the stomach for such relentless misery.
Far more festive is Downton Abbey. Shooting parties with lots of nice tweed, fabulous dresses, a courtroom scene – Bates is in the dock – a ouija board and Maggie Smith as Countess of Grantham waspishly delivering her hilarious one-liners. And as Downtonhas some form in this regard, there's bound to be plenty for tipsy pedants to grumble at in a superior way, from glimpses of plastic gutters to the odd flash of anachronistic dialogue (Mrs Bates remarking "as if" being a personal favourite from series two) and even have a little rant at the unlikelihood of the dowager dancing with Thomas, the dodgy butler, as they do on Christmas Day – a proper toff in 1919 would rather eat her own head.
Instead of big movies, the BBC has opted for drama and the expensive, glossy offerings I've ringed come with extra helpings of nostalgia and include The Borrowers(featuring the brilliant Sharon Horgan as Homily Clock); The Gruffalo'sChild voiced by Helena Bonham Carter, Robbie Coltrane and John Hurt, and Great Expectationsin three parts – and not just to see what they've done with the ending which is rumoured to be changed from Dickens's original.
Disappointingly, but probably understandable in a cut-your-cloth sort of way, RTÉ's Christmas Day offerings are a bit on the thrifty side. The evening kicks off on RTÉ1 with The Restaurant– a cooking show on the one day of the year on which by 7pm you never want to see the inside of a kitchen again; Daniel at 50, a documentary marking Daniel O'Donnell's birthday; Eastenders; Mrs Brown's Boys: The Christmas Special; and For One Night Only: The Dubliners.
All of which pretty much rules out the notion of communal family TV viewing. Try encouraging a mixed age group to shift up on the sofa to watch that creaky lot – Mrs Bates’s “as if” would be the most family-friendly response.
Though maybe RTÉ is ahead of the curve and the idea of an entire family glued to the box wearing paper hats and surrounded by half-eaten selection boxes is as old-fashioned as those shots from the 1940s with happy families huddled around giant radiograms.
Nielsen’s Three Screen Report monitors simultaneous use of mobile phones, TV and computer screens. The research shows it’s growing year on year so that in real life the family may be gathered in the living room on Christmas night but in many houses each will have their own screens to play games, email, surf the net and Facebook while throwing an eye on the TV. And that’s not allowing for what media researchers called “time shifted TV viewing” – or “one I recorded earlier” to you and me.
I'll "Sky plus" Absolutely Fabulouson BBC just to see if after 20 years the comedy still stands up, and RTÉ2's Other Voices NYC– but the decorations will be long back in the attic before I get around to watching them.