"A REASONABLY successful visit, Mr President," murmured the aide, placing some papers beside his master in the White House.
"You thought so? Good. I, wasn't at all sure. I was surprised at how young President de Valera looked. Did he have, an operation or something? And that hair. Is that the fashion in Ireland? Kind of feminine, don't you think? And in a dress too. Is the old guy gay or what?"
"I think the Secretary of State meant to mention that to you, sir, but never got round to it. I'm afraid he got a little tied up with Whitewater."
"Silence! I will not hear that term."
"I apologise. The President of Ireland is not President de Valera."
"It's not? Well, the son of a bitch called me President Kennedy, so I kind of assumed it was de Valera. He must be a real old guy by this time, though he didn't look it. Hey, what can you expect, that age, course he's going to call me Kennedy. De Valera, is that an Irish name?"
All The Presidents
"I understand not. Would you mind signing that, there just there, thank you sir. No, Mr President, the president of Ireland is a woman, a Mrs Robinson, a most witty person. She told me that in Ireland, because of her interest in a certain appointment in the UN, she is known as Mary Mary Robinson."
"Is that a common thing in Ireland, to give somebody the same name twice? Seems kind of unimaginative, you know what I mean? Mary Mary."
"It was a joke, sir."
"And not a very good one. Anyway, this Mary Mary Robinson called me President Kennedy."
"Possibly because her near neighbour is a Jean Kennedy - sign that please there sir, thank you so much, and maybe she got confused.
"Jean Kennedy, huh? Well isn't it a small world, I kind of remember sending out one of them Kennedy broads to Ireland, and you tell me that Mary Mary Robinson lives next door to another Jean Kennedy. Do you think they get one another's mail?"
"I think there would be little problem in that regard sir. And here if you please, thank you sir. Let me get you a fresh pen. Here."
"Thanks. Now. Apart from the fact that she called me President Kennedy, and I think I called her President de Valera, the visit went okay though, right?"
Perfectly sir, perfectly. Though I remain unconvinced that President Robinson felt entirely at home singing, Paddy McGinty's Goat, as you insisted, at the official banquet."
"Goddammit I didn't insist, I just kind of asked her."
Ten times, Mr President."
Traditional Tunes
"It's a favourite song of mine, I just love those Irish traditional tunes, I feel they're part of me.
I'm sure she was happy to sing it. I'm sure she was used to singing that kind of thing, working her way through college."
"I'm not sure that President Robinson's family were so reduced in circumstance that working her way through college was necessary. I felt we had exhausted her entertainment repertoire after you forced her to sing Me Granny O'Reilly Kept her Pig in the Parlour. Her performance lacked authenticity. And then you asked her to dance a jig. She appeared to be uncomfortable dancing a jig sir.
"You think so? I thought she danced just fine."
"Perhaps it was your imitation of Michael Flatley which confused her."
"I hope you're not suggesting . . ."
"No sir, no indeed not sir, we were all remarking on how uncommonly lithe and lissome your dancing was. But if you forgive me saying so, I remain unconvinced that she was entirely ease doing that Jean Butler number. Those high kicks are not quite so easy for some people as they are for you, sir.
You sir, your dancing sir would have flattered Flatley at his best."
"Well, I guess I like to keep myself in trim. You don't think I overdid it wearing the tights Hillary was kind of wondering. She thought it to have been a stunt the Pentagon got up to."
Water, Water, Everywhere
"Mr President, you looked wonderful in the tights. I confess, it was an unusual gift, highly unusual coming from the army, and rather tight in certain places.
"Well if you got it, flaunt it."
"If that is your creed, sir, then you were certainly successful. I think President Robinson at times found herself uncertain about where she should look. There is a certain frankness of appearance resulting from the male body being enclosed in thin, tight garments which Michael Flatley does it. Is there anything else before you get me a double cheese bacon burger, three fries and a large coke?"
"Yes sir. We appear to have flown the flag of Dahomey instead of the Irish flag at the White House."
"The Dahorney flag, huh? What does it consist of?"
"Stripes, sir, green white and orange ones, like the Irish one."
"Well I'm sure she didn't notice, one of these foreign flags looks pretty much the same as another, don't you kind of think?"
"Not to foreigners, sir."
"Is that so? Well I guess that's what makes you foreign, right? Where does this Mary Mary live?"
"In a park sir, called in Irish, Finnuisce.
"Sounds kind of nice. We should give our ranch the same name. What does it mean in English?"
"Whitewater, sir. Whitewater."