MYSELF, I'm thinking of suing The Irish Times for something or other. Not sure what, but something or other.
I have a yearning to spend a month in the Seychelles, maybe barbecue a manatee or dugong, or lightly grill one of those scrumptious little mammals with the big eyes, lemurs I think they are, and lie on the beach nibbling grapes and watching my dancing Seychellian maidens gambol in the Indian sea. When, that is, I have won my court case against The Irish Times.
I do not apologise for returning to the subject of litigation so soon after Tuesday's column on, the subject, because it wasn't meant to be Tuesday's column. It was written eight days ago, but vanished in The Irish Times computer system, only emerging, like Rip Van Winkle, the other day. I think I'll sue The Irish Times over that.
Maybe the computer company too. The editor is probably good for a few quid. And while I'm at it, I might as well lift a few fivers from the wallet of the chairman.
Grounds for Suing
For disappointment in one's profession is now grounds for whistling for an attorney or two, all wig and flapping gown to defend your interest and rescue your ruined reputation.
How I felt oh how I felt for the two referees who were awarded £40,000 on Monday last because they had been wrongfully demoted by the FAI.
Judge Cyril Kelly clearly felt the same way when he spoke most movingly of the horrendous fate of these two fine gentlemen. "What can be more devastating for a top referee than to suddenly find he has been relegated to refereeing under 12 `C' grade matches."
Hear hear judge, hear hear. One of the refs, Michael Tomney, said he and his family had been traumatised by the news that he had been demoted, to covering the schoolboys under 12C League. His fellow referee, Tommy Traynor, told Judge Kelly he had been "shattered and devastated" by his demotion from refereeing League of Ireland matches to refereeing the fifth division of the Leinster League.
This is the stuff of heartbreak. This is the kind of thing which could cause a fellow to enter a supermarket with a strange look in his eye and a chainsaw in his hand. We should be grateful for the for bearance of these gallant much put upon men.
The thing is, the court decided that their monetary loss was, as Judge Kelly put it, minimal. So the compensation was awarded not for that, but for the trauma endured by both men to the tune of £19,000 for Mr Tomney, and £17,500 for Mr Traynor.
It is of course completely irrelevant that Mr Tomney had failed his referees physical test and Mr Traynor had been downgraded because of the results of his written tests.
A Fair Share
It was certainly good to see our sportsmen getting their fair share of compensatory money, and not just in football. Another code appeared in the law court rather than the dreary tedium of the basketball court recently.
A Keith Battersby who fell in the Lucan Community Centre court while playing basketball was very properly awarded £8,000 from the public purse, via Dublin County Council, by the same Judge Kelly because of condensation which the poor fellow apparently slipped on. I think I should insist on being paid that much merely to watch a game.
It is not merely publicly owned condensation which can cause the judges to start divvying up the coffers.
Mashed potatoes can have a similar effect. Dublin Corporation, a couple of weeks ago, had to lighten the public purse by £12,500 because a 74 year old woman apparently slipped on a bit of spud on the floor. The corporation runs 60 centres for old people, and the lady in question, a Margaret Hewson, was attending one in Arbour Hill when she came a cropper.
These centres are run entirely by unpaid volunteers, and the, court was told the corporation might have to close down 601 centres if it was found liable for the unfortunate accident in Arbour Hill.
The judge, Mr Justice Spain, effectively ruled that this was irrelevant and that he should not have been told about it, and that the corporation was liable in law. Hence the award.
One wonders will the lady in question continue to avail of the lunches made available for the Eastern Health Board, Dublin Corporation and all those unpaid volunteers, at a majestic £1.50 a time? Or will there even be a centre in Arbour Hill after us ruling? No doubt she can take all her chums out and buy them lunch instead.
Handsome Reward
Even those who merely eat their food rather than slip on it are I am delighted to tell you able to seek compensation. Mr Justice Spain yes, he again awarded a woman handsome damages the other day because she had suffered diarrhoea and vomiting after eating coleslaw while pregnant.
The court was told that the bacterium concerned was harmless, except to pregnant women. The court was also told that pregnant women were advised not to eat coleslaw because of their vulnerability to the listeria bacterium which grows in many substances, even in the freezer.
Linda Kinsella told the court a scan had shown her foetus was unharmed by her indisposition. She was awarded damages of £7,500, with special damages and costs of a further £428. I think I would put up with a fair bit of diarrhoea and vomiting for £7,500 but I draw the line at pregnancy.
I am happy to say that Mr Sean O'Byrne was not pregnant when he was exposed to asbestos dust for several days at his place of work, the ferry M.V. Noronna. The court was told by one expert that the exposure was too small to do damage, and the judge said it was difficult to compensate for risk when the risk was so small.
He awarded the claimant, who had suffered no ill effects, £35,900 damages. Needless to add, the claimant was urged to seek that other joy of this age, counselling.
Quite right too. Feel in need of a bit compensation and counselling myself.