An Irishman's Diary

We are happy to announce that for those who are unable to enrol in any of the new business colleges founded by our native millionaires…

We are happy to announce that for those who are unable to enrol in any of the new business colleges founded by our native millionaires, we are launching a correspondence course: the Diary University for National Character and Enterprise. Successful graduates will be entitled to carry the initials of the college after their name.

But first, let us give potential students of a taste of what they might expect at DUNCE. We believe that success can only be properly attained with a relaxed approach. If you are up in time to listen to Morning Ireland, become a milkman, not an entrepreneur. Ideally, you should not be in your office much before 11, when the first step of the day should be a cup of coffee and a chocolate biscuit.

This will take you through to lunchtime, which you should spend with an attractive member of the opposite sex if you are heterosexual, of the same sex if you are not, ideally to be followed by an afternoon in bed. This will probably leave you too exhausted to return to work. In that case, repair with your friend to a wine bar and drink champagne, followed by dinner, followed by bed.

An early night is essential - always be asleep by 4 a.m. at the latest. That's Monday taken care of.

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Secretaries

Another vital lesson for an up-and-coming business executive is that if you've had one very hard day at the office, such as Monday has proved to be, it's wise to take it easy the next day - and anyway, remember, your secretary is holding the fort. A word about secretaries. Choose one who can't speak English. This means they can't take messages. Few things encumber a businessman's life so much as messages. If people want you, they'll track you down in their own good time.

But probably not on this particular Tuesday because a noon start barely gives you time to have your refreshing cup of coffee before a vital business lunch heaves into view. Four pieces of advice about a business lunch. Always ensure it is in the most expensive restaurant available. Always order the wines yourself. Always avoid paying the bill - this is seen as enterprise and will win you many admirers. And finally, always ask the restaurant for a copy of the bill so that you can claim it on your expenses.

The rigours of the marketplace, the cut and thrust of enterprise capital, will probably keep you marooned in the restaurant until midnight. With all the drink that has been taken, you might well wake up the next morning in a strange bed beside a 75-year-old pensioner. And that's the business world for you. Check to see whether or not your companion of the night has any broken bones or even is still alive. This is solely for purposes of information. Knowledge in the business world is power. Then, regardless of whether or not you are leaving behind a corpse or a grandmother with 15 broken ribs, sneak out. For it's Wednesday; and another hectic day in the office looms.

Handling mail

By now it is time to deal with the week's mail. This is one of the key areas for a businessman or businesswoman. The ability to stay on top of your mail is one of the vital ingredients of success in commerce. Here is a simple guide.

Letters marked Revenue Commissioners or with one of the Four Es - ESB, Esat, Eircomm, Et Cet - to be returned: Not Known At This Address. Letters incorrectly delivered to you to be opened, and the contents rifled. All other letters to be deposited into the public filing system, available at no charge in virtually every city, town or village in Ireland, and entitled Bruscar. This systematic approach to your correspondence will ensure an efficient, trouble-free business life.

A couple of other tips here. Never answer the telephone yourself. Your Swahili- or Urdu-speaking secretary is far better equipped to cope with incoming phone-calls looking for money. Get a computer, by all means, but (a) do not pay for it and (b) do not read the manual. Leave it in the box in which it arrived and go to lunch. By now is it is Thursday, and probably time for a bit of sex again. My, it's all go in the business world. You can see how all these whizz-kids get burn-out, can't you?

Strategic planning

So suddenly it's Friday - the key day in the business week. This is when you do your vital strategic planning. Whose party should you accept on Saturday? Should you spend the weekend in Schull or in Roundstone? Or should you go shooting woodcock in Cavan? These are difficult questions, which can tax the most versatile of brains.

They must not be answered lightly - and in our experience are best tackled over a nourishing lunch with a young woman to whom nature has been profligately generous. Suddenly it's the weekend again, and all you can say as you head off on your thoroughly deserved weekend break is: my, doesn't time fly when you're busy?

So there it is, the bare bones of the DUNCE Business School.

Demand for places is high, so best get off your applications - in the form of a cheque for £5,000, non-returnable, payable in cash - immediately. Ah. Just look at the clock. Time for lunch already.