First dates are not that common in Ireland, where people tend to get together at parties or in pubs after most of their inhibitions and their friends have disappeared. But there usually comes a time when, instead of relying on bumping into each other - a dating process rather reminiscent of the natural method of contraception - you decide to meet up on your own. This, then, is the first date, and it's an experience comparable only to having your molars removed as far as terror is concerned. I can't abide the things myself - I'd rather skip straight from first snog to the argument about whose turn it is to put out the bins than go through the whole firstdate rigmarole. All the good advice you've heard about how to behave is going through your head: "Relax. Be yourself. Ask him about his interests." But all you can really think is: "God, what am I doing here?" With this in mind I asked my friends for their top tips on what not to do on a first date, and put together this vital, cut-out-and-keep, Winging It Guide to What Not To Do On A First Date.
Does it go without saying that any kind of restaurant, even one serving only goat curry and tapioca, is preferable to that intimate little Italian place? Go Italian and it's tricky to order anything other than pasta or pizza - not a good idea on a first date. Further down the line, when you find everything from your new love's nocturnal farting to their phobia of using their own credit card terribly endearing, you can giggle when Arabiata sauce drips down your chin. But on a first date, you need every bit of dignity you can muster. I would also take garlic bread, noodle soup, corn on the cob, anything that still has its head and Tayto crisps off the menu. This said, a date at a fast-food restaurant is neither funny nor post-modern. Don't go there.
Choose your first-date activity carefully - not everything they do in the movies works. One of my friends very wisely pointed out that while nubile young American teenagers look very cute hurling themselves round a bowling alley, for most of us going bowling is a lesson in humility. The amateur bowler has a nasty habit of remaining frozen, arse in the air, while watching their ball dribble into the gutter. Another friend told of the bitter experience of going swimming on a first date. She had pleasant fantasies of splashing through the waves together and instead found herself hauling herself out of the deep end of a local swimming pool, feeling less like Venus rising out of the waves and more like King Kong about to take Manhattan.
Don't talk about your ex. A first date is not a job interview so you really don't need to tell your prospective new boss why you left your last job. Hearing too much about a man's ex-girlfriend always makes me feel as though he's outlining the qualities he's looking for in the new model. It also makes me wonder whether this man shouldn't just take out a small ad asking for a mother-figure for tea, sympathy and amateur psychotherapy. Discussing every detail of past relationships is for when you're bored of arguing about the plot of EastEnders in your ninth month together, not a first date.
When nervous, most people have a tendency to throw drink into themselves in quantities which would have kept the Gatsbys watered for an entire summer. If you imagine that you're going to end up looking cute and tipsy, think again - firstdate drinking has a few well-known and documented side-effects.
If you're female, these include you insisting that you love to dance and making repeated attempts to pull your very unwilling date onto the dancefloor during I Will Survive. If denied, you will sulk, which could make you look as though you're slightly cross-eyed. If there's no music, you will take the alternative route into drunkenness and start talking about how nobody loves you, not even your friends, and how sometimes you just feel so alone. Tears are inevitable at this point.
If you're a boy, you will not notice when the barriers between acceptable topics of conversation, and the unacceptable, disappear. So you won't think it's the slightest bit odd to start giving your date an in-depth description of hilarious mooning incidents from holidays past. Nor will you notice when your date's eyes glaze over. You will, however, be rendered absolutely speechless when your date starts telling you that nobody loves her, not even her friends. You will find yourself saying: "You're a good girl" at inappropriate moments.
Don't go anywhere where you know a lot of people. While it may look quite swish to arrive at a bar and have the barman know your name and your favourite drink, it's not good to spend the entire evening discussing last weekend's party with a stream of friends who all mention the fact you got sick in the neighbour's garden. It may also have the effect of making you look rather like an alcoholic.
Don't whinge. Don't boast. Don't duck. Don't dive.
The following are gender-specific dating tips, so if you're female:
Don't talk meaningfully about how deafening your body clock is.
Don't wear new shoes. This is an entirely practical tip, inspired by my own experience of rushing out to buy shoes which I felt would subtly allude to the fact that I was hugely desirable and sophisticated with it. I soon found out that they did nothing but shout about my inability to walk while my heels were bleeding.
Don't order a salad and then push it around your plate. Eating like a bird should be left to those with wings.
Don't flirt too much - most men agree there's nothing more terrifying than a woman making come-to-bed eyes over the top of her Early Bird menu. If you're male, you should avoid the following tendencies:
Don't wear too much aftershave - even if it is a very expensive one.
Don't laugh too loudly or too much. For some reason this is a common male mistake on first dates, no doubt because of nerves and the desire to put a woman at her ease. Instead, it can make you seem slightly simple. "Would you like dessert?" is not a joke.
Don't be coolier than thou. We're actually suckers for boys who aren't afraid to show that they're interested (which doesn't mean hanging on our every word or behaving like a love-sick puppy).
(For both sexes) Don't go on a first date at all. If you want to keep somebody really keen, the best method is to refuse to go out with them in the first place. I know it's childish, I'm sure it's likely to backfire, and I realise it'll get you nowhere but, hey, it's much easier on the nerves.