Time to go legal

The Making of Francis The Disney Channel, Friday

The Making of Francis The Disney Channel, Friday

An Aimsir TG4, Tuesday

Last week I made a casual remark referring to the burning down of my house in 1975 by members of the cast of Joseph and The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. For legal reasons, the individual culprits were unnamed in my column, and details of their punishments handed down by the courts also failed to appear. Furthermore, on the advice of this newspaper's legal team, the names of RTE presenters who subsequently called round to renovate - but ended up completely wrecking - my house were withheld.

I have approached the new leader of Fine Gael, who also cannot be named for legal reasons, with a view to setting up a tribunal which would publicly name the culprits, so that some sort of justice can be seen to be done in this case. I have been assured by my solicitor, who, for legal reasons, cannot be named, that the tribunal would cost roughly £20 billion to set up, and that a judgment may not be reached for 200 years.

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As I have been told that I would have to fund the tribunal myself, and as I already have the financial burden of a forthcoming extravagant - and cripplingly expensive - wedding in Lurretstown Castle in Co Mayo hanging over me, I have been busy exploring the possibility of having the tribunal sponsored by a drinks company, which cannot be named (not for legal reasons; they just don't want to be associated with me). I think when one cannot publicly name the people who have burnt down one's house in one's own Fantasy TV column, then we have reached a sad state of affairs. I am determined that justice shall be done in this case, and any readers who wish to contribute to my fighting fund (not to be used for actual fighting, but to fund legal costs) can send money to me via this column. I have set a weekly target of £30,000, but am willing to revise this if the first week's returns fall short of this sum.

Francis is the new blockbuster Disney cartoon which should be hitting our movie screens in time for Christmas. Rather different from more traditional Disney offerings such as Pinocchio or The Lion King, Francis tells the story of Francis Stuart's controversial, pro-Nazi wartime broadcasts to Ireland from Berlin.

Friday's fascinating documentary on the Disney Channel was a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the film, and featured interviews with many of the cast, including Robin Williams, who does the voice of Stuart. Sir Tim Rice and Sir Elton John, who composed the songs for the film, were also featured, as was Alan Rickman (the voice of De Valera - reprising his role in Michael Collins) and James Belushi (the voice of Fine Gael leader James Dillon). Michael Jackson, who declined to be interviewed, plays propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels as a live-action figure.

Animation is a time-consuming business. I would have guessed that an animated feature film would contain maybe 10 or 12 separate drawings; the true figure is nearer to 50 million. In earlier Disney films, such as Sleeping Beauty, this would take one man over 10 years to do, during which he got one hour's break a week, was fed by a drip stuck in his arm and was constantly poked by sticks to stop him falling asleep. Nowadays, with computer animation, it takes two men (one of whom is usually a woman) only half that amount of time.

Judging from the short clips that were shown of the film, it looks truly spectacular. My 10-year-old niece, Flora-Jane, found the scenes featuring Stuart's anti-partitionist rhetoric hugely exciting, and also enjoyed the bits where he warned the Irish people against believing American propaganda and putting their trust in an industrial-based, market-driven economy rather than a protectionist-based rural economic model. She can hardly wait for Christmas.

Anyone tuning into An Aimsir, Tuesday on TG4, to see if the weather was any better in Irish than it was in English would have been hugely disappointed. When TG4 was set up, we were led to believe that their weather forecasts would give a less Anglo-centric and more positive view of our abysmal climate, and that this would eventually lead to a sunnier and warmer climate and the complete abolition of rain and chilly temperatures. So far, the TG4 chiefs haven't delivered on that promise. I am personally disappointed, but alas, not surprised.

Arthur Mathews's new comic novel, Well-Remembered Days, is published by Macmillan, £9.99 in UK