Tom Doorley's top table tips
DO
Use the cutlery provided (if in doubt, start on the outside and work in) .
Keep asking for bread. It keeps them on their toes.
Say you will pour for yourself.
Look at the size of portions as they come to other tables. And order chips carefully and in good time.
Pretend that you always use a napkin, even in front of the TV when eating chicken wings.
Ask if service is included (this will indicate that you have a sense of humour).
Order tap water. It may be poisonous but at least it's free.
Remember that some restaurants hide their shame by calling chips Pont Neuf potatoes. Okay, they're not chips, as such, but they come damn close.
DON'T
Wipe your fingers on the table cloth or use the napkin for blowing your nose.
Argue with the chef. It's not worth it.
Forget who is paying for all this.
Engage the waiting staff in intimate conversation, even if you fancy them.
Order the cheapest wine. Otherwise the staff will snigger. And it will probably be crap anyway.
Feel you have to keep your elbows off the table. It's your table for the duration.
Forget that it's just food. It may not look it, but it is.
Feel ashamed if you want to go to Burdock's on the way home.