Yummy mummy and children's author - Madonna's latest incarnation sees her moving fully into her English phase - but only when in England, writes Orna Mulcahy
Oh, is there no end to the fabulousness, or, looking at it another way, the breathtaking, naked ambition and opportunism of Madonna. She's just so annoyingly talented, so successful, so global - and now she's a writer too. On top of the albums and the movies, she's carving out a neat new career in the hottest sector of the books market, children's books. Move over Madeline, move over Eloise, move along Mary Kate and Ashley, here come English Roses Nicole, Amy, Charlotte and Grace - and they're an instant hit. At least the publishers are determined to make them an instant hit, releasing the book last Monday at 8 a.m. in 30 languages and in more than 100 countries. Eat your jealous hearts out, all you poor writers trying to get your first print run of 5,000. Or just go and write a children's book.
Ever since J.K. Rowling invented Harry Potter, every publisher on the globe has been chasing children's authors, because not only do millions of children read them, but lots of adults love them too. And if it's by Madonna, who has to be the yummiest mummy on the planet, and who comes with all the razzmatazz that showbiz can muster, then it's got to work. And it does. The English Roses is a gorgeous, glitzy hardback with a special "lip-gloss effect" on the jacket and wonderful illustrations by fashion artist Jeffrey Fulvimari. It's about four 11-year-old friends who look just like Bratz dolls with their wide eyes and funky clothes. They love music, dancing, skating, picnics and sleepovers - it's all good clean fun with not a rude conical breast in sight.
Only trouble is, they're jealous of Binah, a girl in the neighbourhood who is far prettier, and better at school and at sports. But, of course, Binah doesn't really have it all and her life is a bit lonely and what she really needs is a friend, or four. I won't spoil the story but, don't you know, the English Roses actually learn a lot from Binah and become even lovelier in the end. It's Cinderella meets the not- so-ugly sisters, and they all live happily ever after. Not original, but every page is a treat to look at and the writing isn't bad either. The only drawback is the price, £12.99 (sterling) for the hardback, though that won't stop it being bought by every velvet-trimmed cardi- wearing mummy with a Madonna CD in her SUV. This is a coffee-table book for little girls, and expect to see it showing up as gifts at the very best parties.
The next four books are in production with number two, Mr Peabody's Apples, due out in November.
Mr Peabody? English Roses? With lots of words like "brill" and "jolly good"? Of course, Madonna is in her English phase these days. She divides her time between London and LA but when in England, it's all rose-printed dresses, horn- rimmed specs and helping husband Guy Ritchie buy the right tweeds and guns. When in LA, though, it's different - snogging Britney Spears at the MTV awards in front of millions, because lesbians are hot now too.
But back to Madonna the author, and her inspiration for The English Roses. Well, as a child she read Charlotte's Web, Alice in Wonderland, the Narnia books and The Secret Garden, but shock horror, no Enid Blyton. Didn't even know the name. So you could say that all that Englishness is really only jacket-deep, but at least the jacket's well-cut.