Enda breathlessly urges Biffo to embrace the Dutch model

DÁIL SKETCH:NO MORE jokes, thank you very much, about tulips from Amsterdam.

Let’s get this straight: Indakinny was in The Hague at the weekend. Off searching for a Dutch model to bring home, we believe. And he doesn’t mind saying, he found one too.

“Absolutely fabulous!” he told the Dáil dreamily. “Hear, hear!” boomed Dr James Reilly from behind his beard.

(The two boys travelled to Holland together. By all accounts, they had a great time going Dutch, and it didn’t cost an arm and a leg either).

The Fine Gael leader doesn’t get out much, so following his trip to Holland he couldn’t wait to get home and tell Brian Cowen all about his big adventure.

Mercifully, he resisted the show ’n tell method given that he spent his time abroad running around “a big hospital” where there were operations and stuff.

“We walked from the train station to the hotel, carrying our bags, minus limousines and so on,” a wide-eyed Enda breathlessly informed the Taoiseach, who just sniffed dismissively.

Yeah, right. He glowered across the chamber, deeply unimpressed. Walked? Train? Carried bags? Huh. Pull the other one, Enda. It’s got social partners on it.

Biffo feigned indifference. His ministerial colleagues looked a bit baffled, in a “what’s a train?” sort of way.

But back to Deputy Kenny and Deputy Reilly, who found their Dutch model in a hospital in the centre of The Hague. Enda couldn’t speak highly enough of the experience.

Unlike the 315 poor souls languishing on trolleys in Ireland yesterday, you don’t end up on a trolley in Holland, he pointed out. When people arrive at a hospital, they are either admitted or sent home within two to three hours.

Across the floor Fianna Fáil’s juvenile quartet of likely lads – Timmy Dooley, Thomas Byrne, Michael McGrath and Niall Collins – started to snigger. (Not at the sheer improbability of such a situation existing here, but because that’s what backbench lads do on a quiet afternoon during Leaders’ Questions).

Enda didn’t care anyway. For he had been to Holland and seen the future.

“This is the future of the health system that we need” he cried, adding: “I’m trying to help you” as Dr Reilly reached for his jacket pocket. Doubtless, trying to find a number for the Dutch model.

But the Taoiseach wasn’t willing to discuss the issue of hospital models in The Hague, or anywhere else in the Netherlands, unless Enda was willing to disclose the cost.

Which he wasn’t. Which is what Biffo was banking on.

Nonetheless, the Fine Gael leader, by going into detail about his hands-on experience of the Dutch model, was able to remind the Government that key areas of the Irish health service were still underfunded, understaffed and inefficient. Along the way, he brought in Brendan Drumm’s €70,000 annual bonus.

Indakinny’s message was clear: embrace the Dutch model now!

“I assure the Taoiseach that my party will support him if he is prepared to take on board the effective measures that can and do work in a country of 17 million people that is a two-hour flight from here. If we start now, we can have such a system here. Otherwise a bottomless pit of taxpayers’ money will continue to be pumped into an inefficient system.”

In reply, Biffo lapsed into the usual old double Dutch about the “the need to provide best practice across the system”. Just like in the good ol’ days of Bertie.

“The HSE has been doing much good work to make sure that money follows the patient and that resource allocation is appropriate for the needs of patients . . .” he began, sounding as enthusiastic as he looked.

You could almost hear the lethargy bouncing off the walls.

Perhaps it was the shock at hearing that some fellow politicians have to carry their own bags that had Brian Cowen so listless yesterday, flopped in his seat like he’d been hit by a stun gun. Perhaps it was the return to normal hostilities that had him temporarily disorientated. But then, we had all forgotten about the pensioners who still sob on trolleys in AE, the overstretched nurses, the closed wards, the crowded wards, the cancelled operations and the lack of beds.

The usual stuff.

He should have been in the best of spirits, what with Tullamore winning the county hurling final on Sunday. But he wasn’t.

Maybe Biffo should take a leaf out of Enda’s book and consider going on a boys’ weekend. Then he can come home with a new model and abolish the Seanad.