Miriam Lord’s Week: The lives of De Udders

Keep an eye on Billy the Fish. He's swimming with a vicious crowd. Billy Timmins operates in the Dáil with a school of underwater predators who call themselves "De Udders". This name might be more suited to a herd of sea cows, but do not be fooled, Billy the Fish is a piranha.

De Udders aren’t happy. Wicklow TD Timmins, who cut his ties with the Fine Gael parliamentary party over the abortion legislation, spoke on their behalf during Thursday’s stormy debate on the Government’s uninspiring Dáil reform package.

“Is there speaking time for the group of ‘others’?” he asked the Leas-Cheann Comhairle, as Opposition leaders protested they weren’t getting a proper chance to discuss the issue.

Billy the Fish made a pike, sorry, point of order. “I, as a member of the ‘others’ group, have no speaking time today. This is not a debate. Little more than 5 per cent of people have made a contribution here. No Government backbencher has got to speak, [except] maybe Deputy Tuffy.”

Labour’s Joanna Tuffy had, indeed, made known her frustration. “The average deputy, like me, has been excluded from the debate on Dáil reform, which is totally inappropriate. These decisions have been made by leaders and they have never really consulted with people like me. I object to that.”

Paul Kehoe, the Government Chief Whip, rushed to set the record straight. “I remind the deputy that in July 2011 we had a full day of debate on Dáil reform, which was the first time there was a full debate on Dáil reform.” Only two and a bit years ago. Still fresh in no one’s memory.

But back to the shallows and Billy the Fish. “I have not been afforded an opportunity to speak. It is a complete and utter farce, as was the budget process,” he complained.

At this point he revealed his teeth. “If the Government continues to try to treat people such as me and some of my colleagues as political piranhas, we will behave accordingly. I put the Government on notice that we will make this House unworkable if the Government continues with its behind-the-scenes measures.”

The Leas-Cheann Comhairle, slightly green around the gills, told Billy the Fish to desist – but this “political piranha” wasn’t going away.

“They think they are smart with their petty, small-minded measures, as represented by the timing in this debate. This is an outrage. This is not a debate. It is a complete and utter farce that does justice to nobody.”

On he went, thrashing about in the pure waters of Reform Alliance Bay until he ran out of energy. “We will take it up with the Ceann Comhairle.”

Be very afraid, Sean Barrett. De Udders are coming. Terence Flanagan, Peter Mathews, Billy the Fish, Lucinda . . .

Unless swimmin’ Timmins meant to say his colleagues in De Udders group are “political pariahs”. We hope not.

Enda to face gloating Senators

They will not be taking pleasure in the moment. Definitely not.

When Enda Kenny comes before the Upper House on Wednesday afternoon to take a debate on Seanad reform, the members will be utterly gracious in their welcome. Gleefully, triumphantly, self-righteously gracious.

The Taoiseach, talking reform in the chamber he insisted could not be reformed. The chamber he asked the people to abolish. The chamber they decided to keep.

Enda managed to turn them from turkeys to untouchables. “And they said it couldn’t be done!” remarked one Government Senator upon hearing the good news. Back in the 1970s, that’s what the advertising people famously said about Guinness Light. And they were right: it couldn’t be done.

Senators are still revelling in their reprieve. Some just can’t let it go. Trinity Senator Sean Barrett is a case in point. On Thursday, he decided to indulge in a little score settling. “I am delighted the people decided in our favour. One of the main campaigners on the other side was a leading figure in the industrial relations sector,” he began, without mentioning any names.

“An Bord Snip Nua, in its examination of that sector, found it had a 2009 allocation of €51 million and 517 staff. That is almost nine times the size of the Seanad. In fact, An Bord Snip Nua found that the sector was overmanned by 58 people, which is almost equivalent to the membership of this House,” continued Sean.

He moved on to page 83: a recommendation the Labour Court and the Labour Relations Commission be merged.

“I wish the gentleman concerned success in reducing the size of the public sector, most especially in his own area, as recommended by an Bord Snip Nua,” smarmed Barrett. Perhaps Brendan Howlin might come to the Seanad and report on progress in this area?

"A retained and reinvigorated Seanad would welcome progress in rationalising the State's complicated and unduly expensive industrial relations structures." Put that in your abolition pipe and smoke it, Kieran Mulvey.

Varakar’s Twitter profile gets a lift as Whelan blushes

Leo Varadkar discovered the power of social media on budget day when he got stuck in the lift in Government Buildings with a number of Cabinet colleagues.

He sent out a tweet: “Stuck in lift with half the Cabinet on Budget Day. Late for RTE. What are the chances?”

Well, very good, actually. That lift is always breaking down. They should really considering putting the Cabinet commode in it.

The trapped politicians were freed after about 20 minutes. When Leo checked his smartphone, he discovered that his single tweet had earned him 450 new followers. He’s so proud he’s telling everyone.

Away from the Twitter, is there anything good on the front of the Laois Nationalist?

It’s John Whelan again, Labour’s awkward Senator. This time he hit the local headlines because the words “Ass Hole” were written on his office window in Portlaoise last week. Large letters, in red lipstick. He tells the paper lipstick means love and red is the colour of Labour. “It was an act of love.”

A Labour women’s pre-election “bootcamp” was taking place in the town at the time. Eamon Gilmore was among the speakers.

Reilly deal rawer than Burton’s

The heavy gang in Government Buildings has slapped an enormous probity tax on James Reilly’s manor. No. Not his stately pile in Co Laois, but Hawkins House – headquarters of the Department of Health and the Minister’s Dublin seat.

The proposal to shave €113 million off health spending through a “probity” cull of medical cards has given rise to confusion, alarm and a marked lack of straight answers from the Government. How many people will lose their cards to achieve the target? Where did the figure of €113 million come from?

They seemed reasonable questions to ask the Minister at his post Budget 2014 press conference. He didn't come up with any convincing answers. Newstalk's Chris Donoghue wondered if the number had been plucked from the sky and remarked some might think the Minister sounded like "a man without a plan".

As the press conference went on, the Minister returned to Donoghue. “To go back to your earlier point . . .” he began.

Minister of State, Labour’s Alex White, was also at the briefing. As Reilly said “your earlier point” to the broadcaster, White also said something. Under his breath, though.The microphones picked it up clearly.

“Your disrespect,” muttered White. Alex may only be a junior minister, but he is also a senior counsel. Journalists, know your place!

It’s been a tough week for the Minister for Health and it ends with reports of Fine Gael colleagues complaining that he was stitched up good and proper by Labour in the budget negotiations.

Apparently Joan Burton, aided and abetted by Brendan Howlin, saw to it that she came out of the Coalition talks with a much better deal for her Department of Social Protection.