Flower power games; plenty to crow about at Leinster House; EU meeting eclipsed by nags
Taoiseach's mystery meeting at The Bots thickens plot
TUESDAY AFTERNOON, in a secluded field by the banks of the river Tolka. Three men in suits talk among themselves. A fourth arrives, driven to the scene in a black Mercedes.
It is Bertie Ahern, and he is in the National Botanic Gardens, the place he retreats to when he wants to escape from the pressures of the world.
This was the day before his shock resignation announcement. His court challenge to the Mahon tribunal had begun that morning and the media was busy trying, unsuccessfully, to find out his exact whereabouts.
The Taoiseach - who is a regular visitor to "The Bots" - didn't enter through the main public entrance. Instead, he came in through a back gate on Glasnevin Hill, leading into a service yard. Then he went to an area known as "Mill Field", which slopes down to the banks of the Tolka. It is a quiet, less frequented part of the Botanic Gardens; shady, with lots of trees and plainly planted.
Bertie and the three mystery men - our informant couldn't identify them - spent about 45 minutes in deep discussion, pacing up and down as they spoke. Then Bertie and his driver departed for the Visitors' Centre, where they had a quick cup of tea and then left.
The Taoiseach is well known in the cafe, and often drops in for a snack after his walk in the gardens. He always stops for a chat - he knows a lot of the staff around The Bots. This time, though, people who saw him said he looked very glum and kept to himself.
The plot thickens.
The news of Bertie's decision to step down as Taoiseach will come as sad news in the gardens, one of the glittering jewels in Dublin's crown. Over the years, from the time he was minister for finance, Bertie allocated tens of millions of euro for restoration projects in the gardens, approving a 10-year redevelopment plan in 1992.
If the restoration of Government Buildings - the Chas Mahal - is a legacy to the vision of Charles Haughey, then the magnificently restored Turner curvilinear greenhouses and the stunning, seven-storey high Palm House will stand as a fitting legacy for Bertie Ahern.
Gag merchants cash in on resignation
Within hours of his announcement, the gags and e-mails began. The first one doing the rounds came in the form of a text message.
"What have Jack Lynch, Charlie Haughey and Bertie Ahern got in common? Jack sang The Banks, Charlie robbed the banks and Bertie knows nothing at all about the banks."
Jobs website Recruit Ireland was quick off the mark, posting a spoof advert for a CEO, with a job description remarkably similar to Bertie's, right down to the make-up allowance.
Quite a few Bertie Ahern/Robert Mugabe e-mails are on the go, while another one was trumpeting the very latest accessory for Irish kitchens: a Bertie Ahern sacred heart fridge magnet.
Yesterday, an e-mail entitled "Beware of the latest e-mail scam!" landed. It's a rejigged version of one of those poorly written spam letters sent out in their millions to snare the gullible and the greedy.
It begins: "I am Mr. Bertie Ahern, the former Irish Prime Minister. I have in my possession the sum of 45,000 United State Dollars (or was it 30,000 Great Britain pounds, or maybe it was Irish pounds - my forgetting in this is commone), and the top list of my priority is where to invest this money outside my country."
"Reasons best known to me. I urgently need your assistance in providing a reliable genuine trade or company where I can invest the fund and immediately meet you in your country for settlement . . ." And so on.
Some people have far too much time on their hands.
Who will pen a ballad for new boy Brian?
When Brian Cowen's father, the late Ber Cowen, was first elected to the Dáil in 1969, a ballad was written in his honour.
The chorus was simple, but catchy. "Ber Cowen, he is a TD, me boys! Ber Cowen, he is a TD!" It was a very informative ditty, and included a verse explaining how Ber used to own a thatched pub, but it was knocked down and rebuilt "'cos the old one wasn't good enough for a member of the Dáil!" It begs the question: who will pen a ballad for Brian? Pete St John wrote a song in Bertie Ahern's honour. Unfortunately, The Man They Call Ahern was greeted with universal derision, and it was quickly consigned to the realms of the forgotten.
Maybe our own John Waters might step up to the plate for the taoiseach-in-waiting. He has some experience in the area of songwriting, and his work is particularly appreciated in Albania.
The day Cowen found his voice at the Áras
Tánaiste Cowen enjoys a good sing-song. When he's in the mood, he can be prevailed upon to sing a few bars, and does a great version of The Offaly Rover. One of his finest hours came when Mary Robinson was president, and she invited the cabinet up to the Áras for dinner.
It was a rather formal occasion, by all accounts. After they dined, the party moved over to the grand piano. Annette, wife of the then foreign affairs minister, is an excellent pianist and she parked herself at the ivories. There followed some stilted renditions of parlour songs - a bit of Percy French, much dreaming of dwelling in marble halls, and lots of drinking only with thine eyes.
Not that there was ever a chance of Mary Robinson tearing into the Hucklebuck and finishing off with a High Genuflection. (The High Genuflection was a move much loved by showband singers, and involved leaping high into the air on the final note and landing on one bended knee.) The evening dragged on, until Minister Cowen took command and treated the company to a Jimmy Crowley song - he's a big fan of the Cork singer.
President Robinson smiled and nodded her head and tapped her fingers in time as Biffo belted out all six verses of The Pool Song. (It's one of his party pieces, of which there are a few.) Here's the second verse: "Well, when I was a boy it was always me joy/To go to the pub each night/There were arguments, scraps and killings perhaps/And everyone thought he was right/There were badgers and dogs/And men from the bogs/And young fellows acting the tool/But now there's no crack/For everyman Jack/Has his arse in the air playing pool."
That broke the ice with Her Excellency, right enough.
Political turbulence proves lucky for some
An unexpected beneficiary of this week's events is Irish Times Political Correspondent Deaglán de Bréadún. The second, updated edition of his book on the peace process, The Far Side of Revenge: Making Peace in Northern Ireland, will be launched at a reception in Dublin next Tuesday. Back in early February, de Bréadún, a former Northern editor of this newspaper, asked Brian Cowen to do the honours. Now it turns out this will be one of the first public functions attended by the taoiseach-in-waiting.
It should ensure a good crowd on the night. The original first edition, by the way, was launched in March 2001 by a certain B Ahern, esquire.
Relief for McGrath as election deal still sweet
Good news yesterday for that other singer in Dáil Éireann, Independent deputy Finian McGrath. Finian, who took Ivor Callely's Dublin North Central seat at the last election, hammered out a deal afterwards with Bertie Ahern in return for his vote.
When the Taoiseach said he was to step down, Finian was worried. His deal was with Bertie - would Brian Cowen continue it? However, a delighted Deputy McGrath was contacted by the Taoiseach's office yesterday morning to confirm that the deal will still stand.
Finian brought out a CD a few years ago called Leroy Brown and raised thousands of euro for Down Syndrome Ireland. If the incoming taoiseach decides to renege on the agreement, McGrath can always cut another CD.
"Bad, bad, Biffo Cowen. Baddest man in the whole damn town . . ." That's enough singing for today.
McCreevy's horse play ruffles more feathers
He's done it again. Last year, EU commissioner Charlie McCreevy missed a crucial committee meeting on tax harmonisation. He submitted his arguments by letter and took off for the races at Cheltenham.
A spokesman for EU president José Manuel Barroso said at the time: "It is correct that Mr McCreevy was unable to attend today's commission meeting. The president assumes that a member of the commission who misses a meeting has a compelling professional or personal reason to do so. I obviously have no information about Mr McCreevy's schedule which is a question for the single market spokesman or his private office."
Twelve months on, and Charlie hasn't learned his lesson. At a recent sitting of the European Parliament's Economic and Monetary Affairs Committee, MEPs were astonished when French Socialist MEP Pervenche Beres - no fan of the McCreevy approach to economics - presented the commissioner with a pink plastic horse with a pink bridle.
Perhaps mindful of what was going on back home in Ireland, McCreevy jokingly asked her where she got the funds to buy the gift. A stern-faced Ms Beres, who chairs the committee, said her gesture was to express her disapproval at Commissioner McCreevy's absence from their last meeting. He spent the day at Cheltenham instead.
Did Bertie jump after missing Hatrick?
Two seismic events in Irish politics on Wednesday. There was the Bertie story. And then there was the defection of one Leonard Hatrick from the PDs to the Labour Party.
Cllr Hatrick - what a great name - is a retired train driver from Ardee in Co Louth. The local Labour Party came up to the Dáil on Wednesday morning and announced Leonard's transfer about an hour before the Taoiseach came out with his little bit of news. "When he heard about Cllr Hatrick jumping ship from the PDs, it was the tipping point for Bertie," joked a Labour activist.
The party is hoping that Leonard Hatrick, who is contesting the local elections in the Ardee electoral area, will join former mayor of Drogheda, Ged Nash, on the council.
Political animal may turn up at the zoo
Ever the opportunist, Paddy Power has spotted another opening for some free publicity. They tell us that in the 24 hours after Bertie confirmed he was packing his trunk and saying goodbye to the circus, there was a massive gamble on the name of the new baby elephant in Dublin Zoo. Apparently they have been offering odds on a variety of monikers since the zoo announced it would let the public decide on a name for the new arrival.
Bertie the elephant certainly has a ring to it, even if the bouncing baby bruiser is a girl.
And finally . . .
Quote of the week comes from the ministerial spokesperson we overheard on the plinth on Tuesday on the mobile phone to an anxious Minister, who was being briefed in advance of a meeting with the media.
"Essentially, you'll be saying nothing."