Enda Kenny is hoping his anorak-clad canvass will help emulate Bertie Ahern's past successes, writes MIRIAM LORD
ENDA KENNY has taken to wearing an anorak.
We’re not quite sure how to cope with this worrying sartorial development, but clearly, the Fine Gael leader feels his time has come.
Enda braved the backyard of the original Anorakman yesterday, showing he can spout pleasant inanities at passing strangers every bit as well as Bertie Ahern.
He stood in his navy anorak beside the River Tolka, at a church across the road from Bertie’s beloved Botanic Gardens, right in the heart of the former taoiseach’s stomping ground.
It’s amazing what a few good opinion polls will do.
On the first Sunday of the Dublin Central byelection campaign, deputy Kenny sacrificed his weekend in Mayo to support his party’s candidate, Paschal Donohoe.
Sen Donohoe has been working the constituency for months now, but with Fine Gael support thin on the ground, delivering the seat would be a major achievement. He combines the enthusiasm of a happy puppy with an extraordinarily hard neck and an unnerving determination to get on.
The duo, backed by a team of canvassers in customised jeeps, began their Northside odyssey at a church near the Mater hospital. It was early in the morning, cold, bucketing rain – and few people were about.
Enda stood in the porch to greet the mainly elderly Mass-goers, while Paschal ignored the weather and pounced on unsuspecting pensioners at the gate.
“He’s supposed to be reading the lesson in there this morning. I had to apologise to the parish priest,” said Enda, who may, or may not, have been making this up.
The convoy took off for Glasnevin in search of bodies. (No, not the cemetery, although it has not been unknown for the dead to vote.) Speaking of which, Enda’s 2007 election photo, the one in which he looks embalmed, is now plastered across the back of his jeeps.
In the rain, the rear wipers did their best to wipe the rigid smirk off his waxen face, but merely succeeded in wiping his eye.
At the church, Enda held a long conversation in Irish with a Mass-goer while Paschal nodded and simpered, a glazed look on his face.
“It’s a bit difficult when he does the Irish, I’m often embarrassed by this,” confided the candidate, who wouldn’t know embarrassment if it hit him over the head with a baseball bat.
A group of people arrived to collect for a charity. Enda and his Bertie-style anorak moved in. He produced a note – a blue one. Paschal bounded over with a fistful of change.
The collectors said they were going to do the Four Peaks challenge. Enda launched into a conversation on hill-walking and mountain-climbing.
Had they “done Bangor Erris?” he inquired.
“No, but we’ve done Machu Picchu,” came the reply. “That’s nothing compared to Bangor Erris,” said Inda of the Incas.
Paschal, with his short attention span, was accosting an elderly woman wearing a plastic rain hat. “Good mornin’ to ya! I’m Pashc . . .” “It’s nothing the better for seeing you!” she snapped, briskly walking on.
The word “Kilimanjaro” floated from the vicinity of Enda.
“You have to look on the bright side,” gurgled Sen Donohoe, to no one in particular.
“Bertie was here last night,” remarked one of the mountain climbers.
The candidate was steering a pensioner by the elbow across the car park. “Paschal, yes, from Fine Gael. Dat’s right. I’m very excited. Very excited.”
A few churches later, and the team stopped for tea. Deputy Catherine Byrne from across the Liffey in South Central arrived a little late because her family has just got a new dog.
Enda kept meeting people from Mayo, which didn’t impress Paschal.
“Do you have any advice for a pup?” deputy Byrne asked us.
“I beg your pardon!” lisped Paschal, before he was distracted by a party worker.
He galloped back with news.
“We have spotted an Ahern at The Precious Blood,” he announced.
Enda was agog. “Which Ahern? Whose blood?” And so to Our Lady Help of Christians, where said Ahern was now stationed. It was De Udder Brudder, Maurice. No sign of Bertie, which explains why Maurice remained stationary behind the man selling strawberries.
The Fine Gael leader wandered over and the two men chatted about Bertie and his bad leg and how he is attending physio six times a week. Bertie is Maurice’s Unique Selling Point.
As his leaflet trumpets: “Over thirty years, along with his brother Bertie, knocking on doors in Dublin Central.” De Udder Brudder is hedging his bets by running in both the byelection and the local election. Bertie canvassed for him on Saturday, and Maurice expected him to turn up later.
“I was out for 30 years for him, Enda, he owes me that.” At the Church of the Most Precious Blood in Cabra, the FG contingent was joined by Sinn Féin’s candidate, Christy Burke.
“Dere y’are Paschal!” chirruped Christy to his election rival. Then he spotted the Fine Gael leader. “Ah dere y’are, Enda.”
The three compared churches. There were some Labour canvassers about, but none at that stage for Maureen O’Sullivan, who represents the organisation of the late deputy Tony Gregory.
Perhaps Christy Burke had the explanation. “Lord-a-Mercy on Gregory. He wouldn’t do a church.” And everyone fell quiet for a few moments.
Then Maurice Ahern beetled over – his second visit of the morning. “Ah, dere y’are now, Maurice!” said Christy.
Compared to the Bert, De Udder Brudder is quiet and diffident.
After a break for lunch, the jeeps moved on to the city centre and the launch of a billboard featuring Fine Gael’s European election candidates. A cherry picker hydraulic platform was hired for the occasion. The man from Height for Hire explained the vehicle was called a Diesel Scissors.
Enda did a press conference first. Deputy Kenny said Brian Cowen had been “holed beneath the water by a senior public servant”. Which sounds very painful.
Only three candidates attended the launch. With their leader, Gay Mitchell MEP and Senators John Paul Phelan and Joe O’Reilly climbed aboard the Diesel Scissors and the platform was raised high above the ground.
“Chat among yourselves, lads” instructed the photographers as the four men in suits leaned over the railing and looked back at the billboard. Perhaps they were discussing Gay’s byelection poster photo on a nearby lamppost – he looks like a gummy Cheshire cat having his feet tickled.
The platform went up. The platform went down. Sen O’Reilly looked a little queasy.
“All we need now is a good wind,” shouted a passing motorist. “I hope it doesn’t collapse, like the economy.”
Enda wants a general election as soon as possible. “I actually wish we were involved in a general election campaign. What’s needed out of all this is clarity. Somebody needs to be able to draw a mandate from the people and have the people’s authority to implement a programme.”
He has the anorak and all now.