'Inbertiebrates' slither in their master's absence

Dáil sketch:Corrections and Clarifications. In the Dáil Sketch on February 13th, it was stated that Tánaiste Brian "Baaffo" Cowen, his fellow Fianna Fáil Ministers and their backbench colleagues are sheep.

This is incorrect. The error was due to a misunderstanding of basic animal anatomy. Sheep have backbones and legs to stand on.

We wish to apologise to sheep and regret any distress this may have caused to them, their families and the farming community.

In they slithered again yesterday, ready to look away for Bertie, who wasn't actually there to witness them do it. Which was a bonus for the invertebrates, who at least didn't have to look their Taoiseach in the eye while pretending they believe his financial fairytales.

The "inbertiebrates" continue to loyally serve the Ahern Government, slithering this way and that around the embarrassing subject of their boss's proven low standards in high office.

Baaffo Cowen was in charge with Taoiseach Ahern out of the country. The Tánaiste is a scientific wonder, and there is every possibility he may end his days preserved in formaldehyde in the new Natural History Museum.

Brian had barely a leg to stand on when it came to defending the many questionable aspects of his boss's behaviour in relation to contradictory statements he has made on national television, in the Mahon tribunal and in the Dáil chamber. He had barely a hoof to support him when it came to addressing the questions surrounding the sources of the money that flowed into Ahern's personal accounts, his outstanding tax issues and the fact that Bertie's one-time partner, Celia Larkin, is the owner of a fine house paid for by one of her former lover's party accounts.

A free house for the last 15 years, thanks to Fianna Fáil, until the tribunal started investigating Ahern's meandering money trail and the "loan" was quickly repaid. (A steal, at 30 grand and a bit of deposit interest for a house valued at well over half a million now.)

But a lack of legs proved no handicap to the pugnacious Minister for Finance, who managed to stand and fight his corner despite his rather weakened position.

To his left, in the front row, and arrayed behind him on the backbenches, his Fianna Fáil colleagues sat like a collection of jellyfish in suits. Silent, and unhappy looking.

Enda Kenny hadn't much to do, save recite the facts about Ahern as they have emerged at the Mahon tribunal.

The inbertiebrates squirmed.

The Fine Gael leader reminded Tánaiste Cowen that during his speech in support of his leader last September, he had made great play of the importance of loyalty. The time for loyalty had passed, he told Brian, who glowered back.

But Baaffo is not finished playing the loyalty card yet. He may have been legless - in the anatomical sense - but he held his ground nonetheless.

"I don't need lectures from YOU on standards," he bellowed at Enda. This is very true. It's not the Tánaiste who needs those sort of lectures, but his leader.

"Pathetic," harrumphed Deputy Kenny. "There is a time for bluster and a time for quiet truth."

Then he introduced the Haughey era into the mix, and the inbertiebrates wobbled unhappily again. Seán Haughey lowered his head and awaited the onslaught.

"Large sums of money for personal sue. Non-payment of taxes and money belonging to the Fianna Fáil party misappropriated for private use . . . The sins of the master are replicated by the pupil."

But Enda was prepared to give Brian a chance. "Your hour has come," he quivered. "You can say, 'enough is enough'."

He urged the Tánaiste to tell Bertie to sling his hook when he comes back from abroad.

But the Minister decided to ignore the facts and stick to the mantra that the allegation of corruption against Ahern remained "unsubstantiated". As for the money that bought Celia Larkin a house, "it was a loan and paid back".

The Opposition burst out laughing at this determinedly benign view of a very strange arrangement.

Labour's Eamon Gilmore took up the cause after Enda, and urged the Tánaiste to prevail upon the Taoiseach to step down.

"We are in 'the dog ate my homework' territory now," he declared. Even the inbertiebrates had to smile. Because in their hearts and souls and consciences - which, unlike their backbones, they still possess - they knew he was speaking the truth.

"The Taoiseach is adamant" that he got no money from Owen O'Callaghan, said the Tánaiste. Furthermore, he will remain on as leader "while" he still has the confidence of his Government.

Careful words there. Perhaps the spines are beginning to grow back.