Year shows us how fragile our lives are

Mental health can suffer in difficult times

AT THIS TIME of year, many columnists try to write some heart-warming piece that captures the best of the past 12 months.

Positive reminiscing can save us from being sucked into the gloom that permeates so much of what we hear these days.

Memories of those times when we felt happy to be alive, when we felt close to one another, are like shafts of light that penetrate the darkness and keep hope alive.

But when I think about this past year, the word that keeps coming to me is fragility. It has been a year when we have seen over and over again how fragile our lives are, particularly when it comes to our mental health.

We have also been startled by the fragility of our economy and our planet, and by the ways that we have pushed both to the edge of what they can bear.

Saying this is in no way meant to deny our amazing capacity to cope with the setbacks and challenges that life throws our way.

But the flip side of our resilience is fragility. What we encounter in our everyday lives can and does affect us very deeply. And everything, including ourselves, has a breaking point.

Nowhere is our fragility more evident than in our day-to-day dealings with each other. We are emotional beings who hurt easily. An unkind word, the forgetfulness of someone we counted on, the loss of something that mattered to us, can stir up strong feelings inside us. And sometimes the hurt we carry becomes a spear with which we hurt others.

How are we to deal with the hurt that arises in our most intimate relationships and in our day-to-day negotiations? We have much to learn from the growing literature on conflict negotiation, which I wouldn’t even dare to try to summarise here, but here are a few things that I’ve learned in 2011 that may be worth sharing.

The hurt that we allow to fester can poison any relationship. And sometimes we choose to hold on to the hurt and accumulate more evidence that the other person is to blame.

But when we choose to talk about the way things have gone sour between us, we can deepen our intimate relationships and strengthen working relationships.

When the different emotions that comprise hurt can be aired, people can see things more clearly. The heavy atmosphere that hung over a relationship before can disappear.

Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. Our most natural response to being told that we have caused hurt or pain is to become defensive and justify ourselves. When we feel cornered, we try to locate blame elsewhere.

As children we may have had an imaginary friend on whom we could pin responsibility for any failing on our part. As adults, our behaviour is often not that different. We deny responsibility for what we do, blaming objects (“The server was down”) or organisational systems (“A colleague failed to pass on your message”).

What this year has taught me is that ruptures in our relationships are probably inevitable, but they are also opportunities for strengthening those same relationships.

I think this would be easier for all of us if we were to own up to the fact that we can be horribly insensitive and lacking in empathy at times, whether we mean to be or not. Instead of jumping to our own defence and denying all responsibility, it may help to make time to listen and to hear what someone needs to say.

Maybe we never meant for this to happen, but that’s not something they can hear right now. What matters most when trust is fractured is that we listen. That we hear what the other person is feeling, without insisting that they shouldn’t be feeling that way.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably feeling tired and in need of the break that Christmas and the new year generally bring. Make the most of it, and mind yourself in the days ahead.

If the family landscape you are about to enter feels like a minefield, be aware of your own and others’ fragility. A kind word might prove to be the most important Christmas gift that everyone is hoping for.

Go mbeirimid beo ar an am seo arís.

Tony Bates is founding director of Headstrong – The National Centre for Youth Mental Health (headstrong.ie)