THAT'S MEN:AS THE recession continues to claim lives of men by suicide, it is vital that we try to understand what is happening and why, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
In recent weeks, we have heard reports, both of men who had been high fliers and of men who had always struggled to make ends meet, taking their own lives.
This is happening in the context of loss or threatened loss – loss of business, loss of standing, loss of a lifestyle, perhaps loss of a home. What we need to understand, however, is that business failure or the loss of a job or home isn’t the whole story.
I know, as do so many others now, how gut-wrenchingly sickening it is to look into the teeth of financial problems, so I’m not being flippant about this or dismissing the awfulness of the experience.
Yet time and again, we have seen people, usually men, go into business meltdown, come out the other side and start off again. I suppose it is a hallmark of the true entrepreneur – a psychologically fascinating creature, but that’s a story for another day – that he or she can shrug at the fact that the road to success is paved with failed attempts.
So why does devastating financial loss, or the prospect of it, cost the lives of some and not of others?
The great psychologist Carl Rogers, regarded by many as the father of counselling, believed that each of us has what he called conditions of worth. These are the conditions you have to meet in order to feel good about yourself.
Needless to say, there is an untold number of conditions of worth out there, and some of our conditions of worth differ from those of other people: I must win every fight I get into; I mustn’t get into fights and if I do I mustn’t win; I must be loved by the important women in my life; I must keep the important women in my life in their place; I must go out and have a good time; I must not go out and have a good time; I must be rich; I must be poor; I must be greedy; I must be generous.
Where do we get these from? We make them up ourselves out of what we have observed in our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, celebrities, and other role models. We interpret what we see, sometimes wrongly, and we create our conditions of worth out of these interpretations.
These conditions of worth have a huge influence on our lives and on how we feel about ourselves. And while they are having that huge influence we are very often not particularly aware of what is going on.
It seems to me that people who respond to financial disaster by taking their own lives may have conditions of worth which contribute to the tragedy. These could include a belief that you are worthless if you fail; that you are worthless if you cannot support your family to a certain level; that you will be worthless if you lose your high standing in society; that you will be worthless if other people take control of your assets, as in bankruptcy or receivership.
So they see themselves facing the loss of their worth as human beings. They don’t understand that their worth as human beings remains despite financial loss, and that those who are close to them – family and genuine friends – will continue to value them.
And because of their conditions of worth they may well hide their feelings of dismay, their terror and their sense of failure from those who love them.
If you are feeling suicidal because of financial loss or threatened loss, remember that most people go through this without killing themselves, and take the time to look at the unwritten rules that may be governing your decision.
Talking to a counsellor about this can help but if you don’t want to do that, talk to a friend, relative or colleague who will listen. And go to your GP and tell him or her how you feel – just doing that can make a major difference.
- Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book That's Men, the Best of the Thats Men Column from The Irish Times, is published by Veritas