ASK THE EXPERT:Two in every five youngsters have at least tried smoking dope, but what do you do if your child is one of them? asks DAVID COLEMAN
I AM very worried about my 14-year-old son who is our youngest child. His three sisters have all moved out of home to college and to work, so it is just us and him now in the house.
I find him very pushy and demanding – he is always looking for money or phone credit (or both!), especially in the past six months or so. To be honest he was always a great little boy, although I think he was spoiled with the attention of his sisters who are very good to him.
But recently if he isn’t grumpy and demanding, he is very withdrawn from us. I wondered if he was just missing the girls, but he’ll be like this even at the weekends they are home. Then when I was going through the laundry I found stuff in a small pocket of his combats that my daughter tells me was probably cannabis. Now I’m terrified that he is mixed up in drugs.
We never had a problem with any of the girls in that way and I don’t know what to do. My eldest daughter suggested that I bring him to the Garda with the stuff I found but I don’t know how that will help. I haven’t even told his dad who would lose his life if he thought our son was into drugs. I am so upset. My friend told me you were talking about this last week on the TV. What should I do?
Finding evidence that your son might be smoking cannabis is a shocking discovery and one that I am sure will strike a chord with many other parents. In an Irish survey which was reported at an international conference in UCD last year, more than 40 per cent of the 462 15-19 year olds who were interviewed admitted to smoking cannabis. That means two in every five youngsters has at least tried smoking dope.
I am not sure if you still have the substance you found in his combats. Cannabis usually comes in the form of a brown or black block of resin, or as the shoots or leaves of the cannabis plant. Resin is its more usual form.
You will find differing views on the relative danger of cannabis use. Some would say that it is not harmful and is not addictive. Others will claim that it is harmful and has the potential to be a gateway to more dangerous drugs.
From my reading, and my experience of working with youngsters whom I have known smoked it, I would be concerned about several consequences of smoking cannabis. Some research suggests that it can affect memory and concentration with sustained use.
Also, prolonged use can lead to feelings of paranoia and anxiety. School performance can also significantly drop off. So, you are right to be worried.
I think your first step should be to talk to his dad and to share what you know and what you suspect. Don’t assume that your husband won’t be able to cope.
Despite your misgivings about his possible reaction I imagine you will value his support more than trying to deal with this on your own.
Once you and your husband are both aware of what might be going on you need to talk to your son. I would certainly suggest that you have a conversation at home before taking it elsewhere. The more you can keep the communication open the better.
Essentially, you are trying to determine the extent of his use of cannabis or other drugs. If he is just being curious or genuinely experimenting, then warning him of the real harm and letting him know what you think and believe about drugs might be enough to shift him off a drug course.
If his use is greater than this, or more habitual, then you need to intervene at a higher level. Your son needs to be given responsibility for his own behaviour and any consequences of it.
However, nothing will change your son’s drug behaviour except his own desire to change it. This means you need to stimulate his desire to change by offering good reasons for it and being explicit about what you will and won’t tolerate.
If you have a supportive local garda then he or she may be the ideal person to explain the serious consequences of involvement in drugs to your son. Similarly, use other people with whom he has a good relationship, such as your daughters, to influence him to change.
So many parents find evidence that might suggest their son or daughter is getting mixed up in drugs, but remarkably they choose not to acknowledge or believe it, hoping it will go away and not become a problem. So, fair play to you for taking this on board.
For you and other readers, there is a very good resource website – drugs.ie – that has lots of information about drugs, including how to access support as a parent.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television.
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com