It is important for young boys to be able to communicate their feelings, and one parenting course helps fathers to be effective sounding boards and to have fun with their sons, writes KILIAN DOYLE.
IT’S NO secret that the teenage years can be the most difficult of one’s life. From the confusion of puberty to peer pressure to the temptations of alcohol and drugs, the perils of youth can be tortuous to many.
Most children muddle through, emerging largely unscathed at the end of their adolescence. For others, things can be more fraught, leading to anxiety, depression and even suicide.
Boys are particularly prone to falling prey to such problems, as evinced by the statistics, which show young men and boys make up more than 40 per cent of the total number of suicides in Ireland. About 200 men aged 35 or under kill themselves here each year. To put this in perspective, the ratio between male and female suicides is six to one in this age group.
While there is no single attributable cause of suicide, it is widely accepted that providing a platform for someone at risk to speak freely about their thoughts and issues can, in many cases, greatly reduce the risk of them harming themselves. And there is often no better person to speak to than somebody you trust who understands and loves you.
With this in mind, HeadsUp – Rehab Ireland’s suicide prevention project – established the Raising Boys For Fathers course in 2007 with the aim of providing fathers with advice and tools to build up such a good relationship with their sons that they are able to turn to their dads for support before they reach crisis point.
The course was developed specifically for men after Rehab found most people attending its parenting courses were mothers, while fathers, despite a willingness to be more involved in their sons’ lives, found such settings uncomfortable.
It is delivered by fathers to fathers over the course of two evenings in an informal group discussion format.
One of the Raising Boys For Fathers tutors is Martin Murphy, the facilitator of a Rehab training programme and the father of a 15-year-old son. He says the course offers men an opportunity to talk to other fathers about their relationship with their sons and give them confidence in communicating with them. It also tries to give helpful hints for making the most of their free time together.
“You cannot start early enough getting involved and spending time with them,” he says.
He stresses the “very, very significant” role that fathers have in their sons’ upbringing. “They will do what they see their father doing,” he says.
If their father is open with them, they will react accordingly. However, if they see him as stand-offish or closed, they will be less likely to confide in him.
Similarly, if their father takes risks, such as drinking heavily, driving too fast or not looking after his health, the son will internalise such behaviour and regard it as acceptable.
“They can be very vulnerable as a result of that.”
The main concerns raised at the meetings are about alcohol, drugs, crime, sex and mental health and where boys are getting information on these issues. “Young guys are not generally getting information from people who’ve gone through it,” Murphy says.
“They are probably getting it from their friends rather than feeling comfortable enough with their significant adult to ask for help.”
To improve the lines of communication, fathers need to take a strong role in their son’s lives.
“For some fathers, it is very difficult to have an input in their son’s upbringing due to time pressures of work or because they might have restricted access due to a separation or other factors,” he says.
“So it’s really about the quality of the time they spend with their sons rather than the quantity. We really emphasise that. If they have only an hour a week, they need that hour to be really constructive in their relationship development.”
Where fathers have two or more sons, they are advised to make the effort to spend time with them individually.
The course, while not specifically sexually-orientated, often touches on how to have “that chat” with your son once he reaches puberty.
Facilitators give guidelines on the best way to approach the topic of sex with sons and how fathers can let them know that they are available to answer questions if they have any concerns.
Once a deep bond is established, it can help boys who experience suicidal thoughts in later life. Murphy says a strong, open relationship with their fathers gives boys someone with whom they can comfortably discuss whatever difficult issues they may have.
“If they feel they can do that, it really takes an awful lot of the pressure and anxiety out of their situations.”
One father who felt his relationship with his sons has blossomed since attending the course is John Elliott, from Athlone, who has three boys: Eoin (13), Breen (11) and Daragh (5).
While he didn’t have a particularly difficult child and wasn’t looking for an answer to a specific problem, he was mindful that the modern environment can be “very tough” on young boys.
“I had three sons and thought that I could do with any help I could get in learning to do the job better,” Elliott says.
“I was just hoping to get any pointers that would help me have a better understanding of their needs so I would be able to help them in situations that they would come up against in their lives. I wanted to do what I could so they would be better equipped to deal with life.”
One of the main issues that came up at the course was how fathers can cope with sons who are constantly seeking thrills. He has learned “not to panic if they’re clambering up trees” and realises boys need to be allowed to have adventures of their own.
He has realised the importance, as they get older, of being able to provide them with adrenaline rushes such as bungee jumping and other exciting activities in a controlled environment so that they don’t resort to getting their kicks by driving around at breakneck speeds or using alcohol and drugs.
Through putting some of the suggestions into practice, he feels his relationship with his sons has improved greatly.
“It’s important to be able to communicate with them, to watch TV with them or give them a hug and let them know that they can come to you when they need to,” he says.
“You mightn’t want to hear what they have to say, but you want them to know you’re happy to take it in and hear what’s said and try to advise them as best you can. They have to know you are open and they can approach you.”
Raising Boys for Fathers courses are run free in locations across the State. For further details, visit www.headsup.ie