Before cursing your child's bad language, maybe you should examine your own language skills, writes Edel Morgan
YOUR LITTLE darling’s first word is a momentous occasion. Their first swear word can be momentous in a very different way, leaving you at a loss as to how to react except, perhaps, for the overwhelming urge to crawl under a stone if they choose a public place or family occasion to air their new vocabulary.
Dr David Carey, a psychologist with the Nurture Institute of Further Education for Parents, says how you should react to a child when they curse really depends on the age of the child and the context within which they are saying the word.
“Two or three year olds will experiment with a naughty word and the best thing you can do is to ignore it. Certainly never laugh at it, even if it means biting your tongue.”
He says as parents a little “self reflection” can be useful.
“We have to ask ourselves are we using these words. There will be some experimentation with words and some children will use them for shock value but if it’s repetitive or they’re doing it when they’re angry or frustrated, then you can say to them they shouldn’t use that word in the family home,” says Carey.
“And if you say that, then that means no one should use it. Within the confines of the family home it can be controlled to some degree but it does become more difficult when it comes to extended family and friends.”
Punishment should only ever be used as a last resort, says Carey, but if the problem persists mild sanctions can work.
He suggests putting €2 in pocket money in a jar in 20 cent coins and taking a coin out every time the child says a rude word which incentivises the child to behave.
“There are no hard and fast rules. It depends on the child, their age and the context within which they are saying the words, but it is generally helpful to take a light-hearted view,” he says.
An American who has lived in the Republic for 12 years, Carey says “harsh” language is “very accepted” in Irish society and the ‘F’ word is commonly used between syllables in social discourse.
“There is far too much tolerance of it and children are hearing it all the time in movies and DVDs . . . We get very concerned about our children seeing nudity and sex on film and TV but not as uptight about vulgar language.
“I’m no prude, but we have to question our own value system. It’s language they are picking up and experimenting with.”
He says parents should avoid “public lynchings” at all costs if their child blurts out an expletive when the family is out in public . His advice is, “stay calm and be firm and put on a stern parent voice and be specific. Don’t say something vague, say ‘Do not use that word’. Children pick up those kind of messages very easily. Keep it brief and say it like you mean it.”
American James V O'Connor, the author of Cuss Control, who has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show, suggests persuading your child to use funny imaginative words like shoot, blast it, balderdash, and hogwash, that will make them laugh and therefore more likely to want to imitate them.
Dr John Sharry, a family psychotherapist, agrees that diversion tactics can work well and encouraging them to say less toxic words like sugar or crumbs can be “a powerful” way of dealing with the situation.
While he also says the best course of action is often to ignore, it can be hard to do.
“For adults it can be a very accepted part of the way you speak, but coming from a child, it sounds so wrong,” he says.
If a parent feels compelled to take action, he also suggests gentle correction and small sanctions as a way forward. A reward system whereby you give them stars if they behave politely can also take the focus off the offending word.
Clinical psychologist and family and marital therapist Michael Mullally says small children are “very observant” of the reactions they elicit from adults and it’s best not to feed into that.
But if a parent becomes concerned and finds that ignoring the problem isn’t working, one approach could be to “make a deal, and reward them with a story or a treat if they stop using the word”.
“It’s better to use an activity rather than material things,” says Mullally.
He says there are no guarantees this will work and a very angry child is likely to continue using expletives.
However, he says, “that is not necessarily a bad thing because at least they are expressing their frustration, even though it can be distressing for the parent”.
He says ultimately the way forward is to encourage good behaviour rather than focus on bad behaviour “and it’s very important parents shouldn’t feel that if they don’t succeed in this area they are a huge failure, most of these children go on to become perfectly respectable adults.”
All of the experts interviewed advise caution and diplomacy when approaching a creche or school if you think it is the source of the problem.
Mullally believes if it is part of a culture they are in, it might be best to let them deal with it themselves.
“If they’re in school, the use of robust language might be part of what is going on in the peer group, and on one level you don’t want them singled out or made to feel different.”
He says parents should avoid saying anything to a child that will make them feel bad about themselves.
“It can be corrosive of their self-esteem in the long term. But in the grand scheme of things children using swear words barely registers on the scale of problems.
“If someone came to me and said their child or adolescent is cursing, I’d say thank your lucky stars if that’s their only problem.”