ASK THE EXPERT:Focus on your positive feelings about your baby and not on your partner's doubts, writes David Coleman
I HAVE been living with my partner for the past three years. I became pregnant at the start of the year and am due at the end of October. My partner already has three children from a previous relationship and he has been really unhappy (on and off) throughout my pregnancy as he doesn't want any more children. He tells me he loves me but I am really afraid that after the baby is born he won't want it or me. What can I do?
I know it isn't strictly a parenting query because your baby isn't born yet. Nevertheless, a few things come to mind. The first is that a lot of your anxiety is based upon your fears about what may happen.
This kind of anxiety can feel like the most destructive kind because it often underlies a sense of powerlessness. After all, how can we deal with something that doesn't yet exist? We don't actually have control over the issue we are worried about.
My guess is that once the baby is born you will get a much clearer sense of how your partner actually reacts rather than your anticipation of how he may react.
In reality, it is almost impossible to predict how someone will react to the birth of their child as it is such a powerful emotional experience, no matter what the circumstances.
If you can avoid making assumptions about your partner's reaction then it may give you a little more peace.
For now all you can do is to think positively about your own feelings about having this baby and about how much you want it. Do try to keep a line of communication open with your partner about his feelings as much as he is able to express them.
I would also suggest that you put in place lots of support from other friends or your family, so that irrespective of your partner's reaction you will feel you have people around you who care about you and who also unconditionally welcome your baby to the world.
HAVE YOU ever heard of Tourette's disorder and how would you know if your child had it? My daughter is three and usually a calm and relaxed child but in the past six months she has begun to just shout out loud and get very angry for no reason and afterwards she doesn't even realise she has said anything. There seems to be no trigger for this in her life.
I actually had a query in a different media recently about Tourette's. It was very similar to your own. I have never worked with a child who has Tourette's disorder but I did some research for you.
Tourette's disorder, or Tourette syndrome as it is sometimes known usually involves both physical and vocal tics. A tic is a rapid movement or sound that is repeated over and over again for no apparent reason.
The tics associated with Tourette syndrome are involuntary actions or sounds that are brief, intermittent, repetitive, non-rhythmic, unpredictable, purposeless and stereotyped movements.
To diagnose it, the tics (both vocal and physical) must be present for over 12 months. This is because many children will show some level of tics that will fade within about a year.
Generally, the onset of Tourette syndrome is between the ages of five and seven years and the manifestation of the tics seems to peak at around 10 years.
So, for your daughter it seems unlikely that she has Tourette syndrome and, irrespective, she couldn't be diagnosed yet as she has had what might be vocal tics only for the past six months. She would need to be displaying some physical tics too for it to be Tourette's.
The sudden and unexpected shouting and anger that you describe may in fact be just her expression of frustration (so typical for toddlers and preschoolers). Sometimes tiredness, stress and frustration can build up and so an apparently minor trigger can lead to a major outburst that seems unwarranted in the circumstances.
It is possible too that the "red mist" that people often describe in relation to their experience of anger may happen for your daughter.
In other words, once she begins to lose her temper so too she loses rationality and the feeling gets expressed without conscious attention being paid to it.
However, do continue to pay attention to how your daughter progresses and if you remain very worried, bring her to your family GP.
You may also find links to further information and support on Tourette syndrome at the website of the Tourette Syndrome Association of Ireland: www.tsai.ie
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Playand broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website, davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie