Facing up to the death of a parent

My father died when I was 12 years old, and eight years later I believed I had dealt with his death and had nothing else to learn…

My father died when I was 12 years old, and eight years later I believed I had dealt with his death and had nothing else to learn. I had just turned 21 and had recently graduated from UCD when I was invited to participate in a Young Adult Beginning Experience (YABE) weekend, where people my age would be talking about bereavement - both as a result of the death of a parent and through parental separation. I went along a bit arrogantly, feeling that I didn't need this but maybe I could help others. The surprise for me was that I learned a lot about myself.

I had dealt with different things through the years since my father died, in different ways: some made sense and some were crazy. When Dad died (in his 40s) he had had heart surgery, but appeared to recover and came home. At home, he had a turn and went back into hospital where he went into a coma and then died.

The feelings I had at the beginning were of total shock and "this couldn't be happening so it must be a dream". It was the fact that he had come home and looked well, then a few days later we were sitting with him all night in the hospital watching him die. It was like a dream. I felt that one morning when I woke up Dad would be there.

That dream-like feeling lasted about a month; then I started to feel guilty: "If only I hadn't been a bad boy I would not have put my Dad through the stress and he would still be alive." I was very good at science subjects and I kept asking myself: "Why didn't I come up with ideas for treatment in the hospital?" Looking back on that, during the YABE weekend, all this unrealistic guilt looked crazy to me for the first time.

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After my father died, I withdrew into myself. I remember feeling very angry. I'd get angry at God and sometimes I'd talk to Dad and get angry at him: "How could you leave us with seven kids in the family?"

My older brother took the role of taking my father's place, while I took the role of being my mother's listening ear. I really learned to listen and was aware that other people relied on me for emotional support. I said to myself: "Look, you've got to be supportive and face up to new responsibilities; you have to be mature and be the man in the house." It was only after doing the YABE weekend and participating in further workshops that I realised that I took so many things and wrapped them up and put them in a corner - especially the guilt and the anger.

My personality became that of someone who was very non-confrontational because I was afraid to get angry. The roots of that went right down to the bundle of anger which I didn't cope with at the time my father died. I've realised since that a lot of guys have this anger within their characters which can be traced back to emotions that were never expressed or even recognised. And anger in a guy can be very destructive. The fact that I had held on to that bundle of anger made sense, looking back. As a 12-year-old coming into puberty, you just want to get on with life. And there is a strong stigma that boys don't cry. I remember watching my mother and sisters go into a room and cry together and then come out feeling better. I just didn't understand it. On the YABE weekend, I cried for the first time in a long time. The experience of sharing my feelings made me more self-confident. Before, I was afraid to let people in. I had very few friends and family who knew me intimately. I'm not as afraid to be intimate anymore and I've got a reserve of strength which means that I'm not as afraid of getting hurt.

Without the workshop, I think I would have this feeling of "I've got to be in a relationship all the time, whether I'm happy in the relationship or not". I don't feel like that anymore and while people bring a lot of baggage into relationships, I hope I'll be bringing a little less than I would have before. I have learned that I can talk to my Dad anytime. I wrote a letter to him saying that "I hope you think I'm a good guy and that you'd be proud of me".

The next YABE weekend (November 6th-8th in Greystones, Co Wicklow) is aimed at men and women aged 18-35 experiencing bereavement as a result of parental separation or death. For information phone Olive: 01-451 9237 or Claire: 01-450 9619.

In conversation with Kathryn Holmquist