Top tips for top behaviour
Holding doors:The classic gentlemanly gesture is fraught with danger and uncertainty. Will the lady appreciate it or think you're a chauvinistic pig? Will she say 'thank you' or give you a withering look? Will you let go of the door too early and accidentally hit her in the face with it? If she's ahead of you, should you barge past her to get to the door first?
Walk on the outside:Men are traditionally supposed to walk on the outside of a footpath so that we soak up any muddy spray from traffic. This also means that we are first in line for an impact with an articulated lorry or a bike courier, but hey, it's our job to soak up danger too. The wetter (or deader) you are at the end of your perambulation, the more gentlemanly you are.
Give up your seat:It doesn't matter that you arrived half an hour early for your train specifically to get a seat. It also doesn't matter that the train is crowded and that it's another four hours to your destination. Standing is good for the soul.
Help her with her coat:At a basic level, this gesture suggests that she's incapable of putting on her own coat which seems unlikely given that she had it on when she arrived. It also requires a fair amount of co-operation from her – if she struggles it could turn nasty.
Help her off the train:Most modern trains are level with the platform now which renders this gesture a little redundant but offering your hand to a lady as she alights from a train still hasn't lost any of its 1950s movie appeal. The important thing here is to offer your hand. Don't pull her off the train – you may have more strength than you know.
Change a tyre:She's the chief executive of a large corporation, eats male executives for breakfast and runs 10 miles every day before work. But faced with a punctured tyre she becomes a damsel in distress – you don't honestly expect her to change a tyre in those heels do you?
Help her with her seat:If a lady is sitting next to you, help her by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place. Try not to get these two instructions mixed up – she will either end up on the floor or wedged up against the table.
Carry her brolly:While she sashays along dry as a bone, it's your job to: get cramp in your arm holding the brolly above her head; keep an eye out for oncoming pedestrians; and use your neck to absorb the big fat raindrops that are cascading off the side of the brolly.
Walk her home:It doesn't matter that she has a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu and that your only experience of hand-to-hand combat was a minor scuffle in senior infants.
It’s still your job to get her home safely and then walk home alone.
Offer your jacket:So she came to a wedding on a chilly winter morning in a dress that's got less material in it than your underwear. So what? Be a man and offer her your coat.