A new workshop series aims to connect men with themselves and the world around them, in the hopes of redefining what it means to be a man, writes Sylvia Thompson
Shiatsu practitioner, counsellor and founder of a male group, Séamus Connolly is starting a forum for men to explore what it is to be a man today. Entitled It's A Man's Life, the objective of the workshop series, to be held in Bray, Co Wicklow, is "to share stories and experiences and consider more deeply what men want from and want to give to their lives and the lives of their families and communities".
It will not be a therapeutic or counselling group.
Connolly, who has been working as a counsellor and Shiatsu practitioner since 1990, has been germinating the seeds of this idea for quite some time. It first occurred to him when he began to see similarities between the male clients who came to see him.
"Men either came to me because of a work or a relationship crisis. They . . . felt trapped in roles and expectations that were quite literally killing them," he says.
"They weren't able to sit and be with their partners and listen to their partners, wives or girlfriends when they were trying to communicate what they felt, needed or wanted."
He believes that discussions about how men feel about themselves is necessary on an individual and a societal level.
"In the series, I hope to explore the nature and causes of how men experience and use power. We will also look at how we abandon boys and why so many males tend to addiction and violence rather than healing and respect."
He believes that only through releasing this healing and respect can men reach mature masculinity.
Connolly says men are deeply confused about love and sex. He explains: "One of the reasons for this is that boys are schooled from an early age not to feel their feelings and to be tough and rugged.
"They are encouraged to believe that this 'can-do' attitude is what it means to be a boy or man. How are men supposed to know what intimacy is without seeing it modelled by men around them?" he asks. "How is it possible for men to develop loving relationships if the men they see are poor communicators?"
Consequently, Connolly says men need to create new myths about what it means to be a man and to abandon the myth of being a hero.
"When men come to me, they want a fix, a new handle so that they can feel in charge and in control again. The reality is that most men are losers because there is only one winner, whether it's the chief executive of a company or the foreman on a factory floor," he says.
Connolly believes that addiction and violence are the consequences of a loss of value in male identity. He also believes that men can only rediscover these core values in the company of other men.
He continues: "As men, we need to forgive and love our fathers even though many of them abandoned us. We won't be able to love and nurture our sons, nephews, grandchildren or the boys in our communities unless we do that."
Connolly defines mature masculinity as having the courage to heal yourself, the pursuit of peace and the nurturing of a co-operative egalitarian spirit rooted in respect for all living things.
"We need to start finding out what it means to be a mentor and what it means for men to take on this role of mentor.
"We need to break through the myths of what power looks like, which is all about domination, [ and] explore how men would experience co-operation and reciprocity."
And what role do women have in all of this?
"What I'm trying to articulate is a profound loss of role, and the pain at the core of this loss is the cause for the disconnection - the violence, the addictions, the losses to society of the beautiful, vibrant, courageous, self-assured male," he says.
According to Connolly, "women haven't lost touch with their spiritual connection in the same way. There is no uncertainly about what a woman is."
However, he says mature masculinity will complement the work of feminism within our society.
"Feminism started one half of the job, but the superwoman model has the worst aspects of the disconnected male [ following the male power myth] and the over-connected female. This has arisen because men are only starting to do their work."
He concludes: "What lies ahead is a new synthesis which will happen at a point when men and women have done their work."
It's A Man's Life, a forum for men to explore what it is to be a man today, starts on Thursday, October 5th (7.30pm-9.30pm) and runs for eight weeks at the Novara Centre, Bray, Co Wicklow.
The cost is €240, although some concessions are available. Tel: 01 2962839 or e-mail seamus_connolly@eircom.net for more details.