ASK THE EXPERT:My step-children are manipulating their dad, and he doesn't seem to see it
I AM married to a man with two children from his first marriage. They are aged 10 and 17.
The split was not amicable but custody is joint. I am having trouble managing what I perceive to be the lack of discipline in my step-children and their ability to manipulate and emotionally blackmail their father - who is wonderful to them but is probably compensating for guilt and other matters.
The 10 year old is prone to tantrums and sulking if she is not allowed her way. She also routinely interrupts her father when he is speaking to others, including me.
I have to remind her to say "please" and "thank you". Her father believes she is too young for punishment, eg if she throws a tantrum or won't go to bed, he will end up cuddling her or having a talk with her later, instead of, for example, not allowing her dessert or refusing her TV time. I believe that this endorses the bad behaviour and she is not learning.
The 17 year old routinely shouts at and uses bad language to him in front of me and her sister. She also sulks regularly if, for example, she wants to stay out later than her curfew but is not allowed.
She breaks rules on curfew and house rules anyway, and can't manage her pocket money. It is clear she does not respect his authority.
Her father will often end up bailing her out when, for example, she uses up all phone credit and doesn't save her pocket money for it, he is inclined to give her more.
At a time when she should be growing into a responsible young adult, I believe this is encouraging her to behave as a child. My husband and I are now arguing about how to parent, and it is putting enormous stress on our relationship and me personally.
I believe in the old rule of "reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour" - even the kids saying sorry if they misbehave would be an improvement!
The children show little signs of independence especially the younger one, and I fear that when we have our own children it will get harder. What do I do? I am desperate and need to know how to handle their father also, whom I want to support.
Becoming a step-parent is never straight-forward. In many ways it short-circuits the natural order of things. You don't have the time to grow into your joint parenting and to find and resolve issues of parenting style.
It does sound to me that this is exactly the problem you're now having with your husband. You have one style, based, it seems, on behavioural principles and he has another, one that is bound up in the existing dynamic he has with his children.
Of course both of these parenting styles are really useful with different children and in different situations. Equally, there has never been a "one size fits all" parenting style that is successful with all children and in all situations and at all ages.
This means that when you and your husband come to discuss how he parents his children, neither of you is likely to be "right". There are probably good reasons to support both parenting styles depending upon the situation and indeed which child you are dealing with.
One of the most important things is that parents don't undermine each other in front of children, by directly contradicting the statements or decisions of the other parent. It sounds like you, with your husband, are avoiding this and instead you're having your disagreements in private. This is a good thing.
However, because these are not your children you may be finding that you, continuously, have to back down or put aside your strong beliefs and allow their father to exercise his beliefs with them. My guess is that the frustration you feel with this intensifies the disagreements you then have with him about parenting styles.
I could imagine too, that witnessing your husband in action with his children may lead you to feel a certain amount of anxiety about how you now perceive him as a father (separate to how you perceive him as a husband).
Perhaps you have certain expectations of how a father should be and now you find your husband is not meeting those expectations.
Remember that there are no absolute rights or wrongs, just differences of opinion. So, with regard to his children, back down if you have to, even if you disagree with the decisions he makes. When push comes to shove, he needs to make the final decision because they are his children and his shared responsibility with his ex-wife.
Your role with his children may be better served as advocate, even confidante and supporter of your husband. This then allows you to keep the door open to discussing how you would like things to be if and when you have your own children with him.
Renegotiating, compromising and finding a balance whereby you can merge how he chooses to be a father with how you will choose to be a mother is a hard task. It can be achieved only if you both keep the communication open.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Play and broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie