ASK THE EXPERT:When children feel part of the preparation, they are more likely to feel part of the meal
I WAS READING your article last week about the boy who didn't really eat much. I don't have a problem with my son eating, but I do have a problem with where he eats.
My son will be four next month, and will only sit at the table with us for about two minutes (after much cajoling and pleading) before heading off to the TV room. We don't force him to stay because we don't want him to have negative associations with meals and food, but the cost has been that he just doesn't ever eat with us.
He does eat but invariably it ends up being in front of the telly and when I have tried to insist on eating in the kitchen he has a major tantrum. How can I get him to eat with us, and does it really matter if you don't have the "family mealtime" that everyone goes on about?
I'LL ANSWER the "does it matter" bit first. I think mealtimes are a really important part of family life, and worth prioritising. Mealtimes may be the best and only time when everyone in the family can gather.
It is great for children to have times in the day when they can really talk to parents, rather than simply passing them by in a whirl of activity or retreating into the isolation of the TV or computer-games.
You may be surprised at what research shows about the benefits of family mealtimes. Children who sit with their families for regular meals are less likely to smoke, take drugs and drink alcohol. They tend to do better in school and have fewer mental health problems. Also they tend to eat a more balanced and healthy diet.
We are the most important role models for our children. So if we adults don't have a habit of sitting together to eat, then we can't expect our children to.
In many families, children are fed first and adults eat later. However, we have to remember that they need to observe us to be able to learn things. What food to eat, and how to eat it, is a skill that toddlers learn from watching carefully and from subsequent trial and error. If they aren't sitting with us for meals, then they miss out on that big chance to learn.
In the same way, when we sit to eat and chat we learn from each other, through conversation about values, morals and beliefs that we each hold. This gives us opportunities to bond and form relationships with our children. It increases their confidence and can also teach them how to behave with others.
So, if you can accept that family mealtimes are important, then let's go back to how you can get your son to eat with you. I would start by turning off the TV and the computer games. If there are fewer distractions around, you will increase the likelihood of getting him in.
Don't serve food anywhere else in the house. Let the rule be that food must be eaten at the table. If he has a tantrum about this, so be it. If you stick to the rule he will quickly get over it.
Some children like to come and go from the table, and allowing this is a personal choice for every family. In your case, however, I think it might be too confusing and he might not come back!
An option for you, therefore, might be to set a kitchen timer at the start of the meal and let your son know that nobody may leave the table until the bell rings.
Keep the time short at the start - three to four minutes - and then increase the time up to 10-15 minutes (or longer if you can manage it) over a period of weeks. Give lots of positive verbal reinforcement (praise!) for his success at sitting.
Preparing and serving food can be a communal, fun affair. It's good to involve children in the preparation of a meal from a young age. You'll be impressed at how accomplished they can get at spooning, pouring, measuring and even cutting. When children feel part of the preparation, they are more likely to feel part of the meal too.
Have a plan in your own head of topics to talk about during the meal. These can include reminiscing about the activities of the day; making plans for later in the day or the next day; discussing what happened at play times; talking about school, friends, teachers, uncles, aunts; remembering things from your own childhood; telling stories about when your children were younger and so on.
Keeping him chatting keeps him at the table.
So do keep investing in family mealtimes, they are worth it. But like everything else with parenting, there is no use in beating yourself over the head with a big stick just because you don't achieve an ideal. Far better that you aim for what you believe fits best for you and your family.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster with RTÉ television. Further information about David is available on his website: www.davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie