SECOND OPINION:Avoid conflict by getting arrangements right from the start, writes JACKY JONES
MOST GRANDPARENTS love their grandchildren and think having them in their lives is a great privilege. The recession has meant that more grandparents are being asked to become full or part-time childminders as many parents cannot afford formal childcare while they work. A report published in 2010 – Growing Up in Ireland– showed that 12 per cent of infants are cared for full-time by their grandparents, mostly their grandmothers, with 33 per cent of grandparents doing some childminding every week.
The interviews with parents for this report were carried out in September 2008 before the recession really started to bite and anecdotal evidence suggests that these figures have at least doubled by now. Figures from the UK confirm this, showing that almost a third of grandparents provide at least 16 hours of childminding every week.
While some grandparents are happy to provide this informal childcare, many are not – and there are downsides for all concerned. A study carried out by the University of London in 2009 showed that children looked after exclusively by their grandparents while parents worked were much more likely to have behavioural problems by the age of three – and to have difficulties forming relationships with other children – than those in more formal childcare arrangements such as creches and registered childminders.
The findings are related to conflicts of opinion and friction between the parents and grandparents about discipline and how children should be raised. The informal nature of the childminding arrangements means parents cannot dictate the grandparents’ behaviour in relation to food, homework, discipline and so on, which they can with a formal childminder. Childminding is a job with regular hours, duties and terms and conditions of employment, and this does not fit with the hugely important role of grandparents in their grandchildren’s lives. If they are good grandparents, they are historians, friends, nurturers, advisers, heroes, mentors, mediators, role models, teachers, students and entertainers, to name just a few roles. It is very nearly impossible to fulfil these roles and be a childminder as well.
If you do not want the job as childminder, the first thing you need to do is decide what kind of childcare you are prepared to provide. Childcare falls into a few different categories. These include: emergencies, when the parents, regular childminder or children are sick; special occasions such as weddings or weekends away; babysitting while parents socialise and partake in leisure pursuits; and full or part-time childcare while parents work or go to college.
Another aspect to take into consideration is how many grandchildren are involved. Providing a few hours of childcare to one grandchild is one thing; if there are several grandchildren to be considered, then that is another. Grandparents who favour one set of grandchildren over another will inevitably end up in trouble with their adult children and family conflict will result. No one is happy in this scenario, especially the grandchildren.
With the recession and Government cuts in pensions, grandparents may need to go back to work if they have already retired to earn extra income.
If one grandparent has recently retired after 40 years’ work and the other has been at home doing some childminding, different arrangements may need to be made. Again, this will involve clear open communication on differing needs.
The assertive way is to decide what childminding you are prepared to willingly do and communicate that clearly. Say no if asked to do childminding you do not want to do. This means using the actual word “no” – you would be surprised at the number of people who use any other word but no. Do not make excuses. This is easier said than done, but if you don’t get it right from the start, you will end up with more problems than you bargained for.
Of course, the fundamental problem is that Ireland has a dearth of inexpensive, formal childcare facilities. Grandparents and older people in Ireland are a powerful lobby group and need to start actively campaigning for these facilities to be provided in every workplace and community in the country. This is best for grandchildren, for parents and grandparents.
Dr Jacky Jones recently retired as regional manager of health promotion at the HSE