It's not just your body that changes when you become pregnant - it's also your diet, writes Arminta Wallace
EEK. If there's a mug that says "World's Worst Mother" on the side, it must surely be headed my way. Granted, my kids are grown up and gone - in one case to Sydney, where she's living happily with a delightful Aussie, a swimming pool and a mature lemon tree. But still. Heaven only knows what damage I've done to this innocent offspring.
Now, I'm not talking about inadvertent psychological damage due to the unsatisfactory management of tantrums (usually mine), or even, heaven forbid, the appearance of some utterly out-there genetic mutation I've passed on as casually as a cold. No. We're talking about all the things I ate during her gestation period.
More specifically, we're talking about all the things I didn't NOT eat. This is partly because when I was pregnant, it was during the Mesozoic period of nutritional science. Also, I was a student. Are any high-alert nutritional bells ringing now?
They should be, because we lived - as I recall - on meatballs out of tins, pints of red lemonade and toasted sandwiches containing spaghetti hoops.
My God. I could have given birth to something round, reddish and packed neatly into a cardboard box.
But in those primitive times, you see, we didn't know any better. If you're pregnant at this very moment, however - or maybe idly thinking that a baby would be nice - boy, are you in for some nasty nutritional surprises.
You can put down that cup of coffee, for a start. And is that an icing-covered Danish pastry I see in your sticky paw? Uh-oh. That's a definite no-no. In fact, no-nos will make up the majority of your menu options for the foreseeable future.
No alcohol, especially for the first three months. From the minute you see that line go blue, you can say farewell to hot ports when your hands need thawing out, to glasses of Prosecco on sunny summer afternoons - even to the odd half of stout for the good of the sprog. Raise a glass of anything alcoholic to your lips, and the pregnancy police will be down on you like a ton of bricks.
Well, even us drink-sodden dinosaurs have accepted the wisdom of that particular piece of advice. But what about all the other stuff? No deli meats or pre-washed salads. No blue cheese. No soft cheese, unless it's pasteurised. No curries. No rare steak. No peanuts. No sushi.
Is this pregnancy or some sort of penal code?
As for fish, forget it. It's a minefield. Eat the right kind, and your child will be at university while still in nappies. Eat the wrong kind, and it doesn't bear thinking about.
You think I'm kidding: but the advice on fish is so convoluted you'd need a degree in advanced astrophysics to figure it out. For example, the word from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in the US is that pregnant women should eat two meals a week of shrimp, salmon and so forth because fish contains fatty acids crucial for foetal brain development.
But not swordfish or king mackerel, thanks to their toxic mercury content. Tinned tuna is fine - as long as it's not albacore. Locally caught fish might be okay; you just need to check with an official Environmental Protection Agency fish advisory website before you pop it in the oven.
And what about cravings? Once a staple of all pregnancy lore - I grew up under the distinct impression that my mother had eaten coal while she was expecting me, which I reckoned explained quite a lot - not only are they totally off the menu these days, they've been blasted into the pregnancy PC equivalent of deep space.
"During pregnancy," warns one particularly po-faced American website, "some women feel strong urges to eat non-food items such as clay, ice, laundry starch or cornstarch. This is called pica. Pica can be harmful to your pregnancy. It can affect your intake of nutrients and can lead to constipation and anaemia." Which, translated, means; "Lady, put your hands in the air and step away from the bowl of ice cream and pickled onions. Now."
There are, it turns out, good reasons for caution. You really don't want to mess with listeria bacteria - which lurk in unpasteurised milk products and undercooked meat - because they can cause miscarriage or still birth. Or toxoplasma, a meat-borne parasite which makes adults feel a little under the weather, but can be fatal for a foetus.
Once you start thinking this way, though, you'll find you have far more questions on your hands than answers.
Is halibut high in mercury, or low? What's the deal with crab? When does a soft cheese become a medium soft cheese? What am I going to eat at my best friend's wedding?
As little as possible might be the best approach. Because even the most cherished pregnancy nutrition myth of all - that as an expectant mum you're "eating for two" and, therefore, entitled to eat what you like when you like - has been totally blown out of the water by the discovery that pregnancy is an obesity hotspot and that many women who gain more than the recommended 24-35 pounds never lose it again. Ever.
What's a girl to do?
Well, you could do worse than seek some positive professional advice, to begin with. "Anybody who has any specific health problems needs to go to see their nutrition therapist or doctor for a one-on-one consultation," says Carlow-based nutritional therapist Margot Kearney.
"That would include major digestive problems which interfere with your day-to-day life or if you're not sleeping, or have really low energy, there could be something else going on there."
But really, she says, it's all about balance. Beating yourself up because you broke out one day and ate a double cheeseburger is just ridiculous.
"If, say 80 per cent of the time, you have a plan and stick to it, you can get away with the occasional thing," she says.
So get a grip, girls. And stay away from the laundry starch. Temptation - who needs it?
Tips for a nutritionally safe pregnancy
DOs are always far more appetising than don'ts. Here are nutritional therapist Margot Kearney's tips for a nutritionally sound pregnancy:
1.Eat regularly. Also, eat little and often; this can help reduce heartburn, morning sickness and other problems which crop up during pregnancy.
2.Each meal should include protein (an egg, beans or lentils, fish, meat or dairy, chicken, nuts and seeds).
This helps to balance blood sugar levels and to sustain energy throughout the day.
3.Eat plenty of fruit and veg, preferably organic if you can afford it; this provides vitamins and minerals such as calcium, magnesium and zinc, antioxidants and fibre for both you and baby.
4.Choose complex carbohydrates - ie wholegrain breads over white bread, brown rice over white rice - these provide B vitamins and plenty of fibre to help prevent constipation and sustain your energy much longer.
5.Eat oily foods, ie fish or nuts and seeds. These provide essential fatty acids like omega 3 and 6, important for baby's development. Linseeds are also a good source of fibre.
6.Drink plenty of water (about two pints a day).