ASK THE EXPERT:A babysitting teen acted irresponsibly but maybe she was too young for the task, writes DAVID COLEMAN.
MY 13-YEAR-OLD daughter had a babysitting job last Saturday night. On Sunday evening, the mother of the children phoned to tell me that my daughter had arranged for, or allowed, some friends to call over to her, very shortly after her two children went to bed.
The couple had already gone out but were informed by their eldest child the next morning of the laughing and joking coming from the sitting room. This is totally unacceptable, both to my husband and me, not to mention the family who had hired her to babysit.
We have decided to ground her for one week and to take away her privilege of using her own phone in her room. My daughter thinks that we are being unreasonable on the punishment although she does realise that she has done wrong.
The people have indicated that they will never have her over again to babysit and I don’t blame them. What do you think? My husband and I are finding the teen years very difficult and we have only just begun.
I agree with you that your daughter’s behaviour, inviting friends to visit while she is babysitting, is unacceptable.
At the same time I think her behaviour is understandable, given her comparatively young age to be babysitting.
The core problem, in fact, is that your daughter is probably still too young to babysit. Age isn’t always the best indicator of maturity and responsibility and there are, undoubtedly, 13-year-old girls who are very mature and responsible in their behaviour. Your daughter, by her behaviour, has shown that she may not be one of those 13 year olds!
Your daughter’s decision to invite, or at the very least to welcome uninvited, friends to come in and hang out while she is babysitting shows poor judgment and a lack of responsibility.
This is not a reason to castigate her, but it is definitely an opportunity for her to learn. It is also a good reminder for you that you must still be active in setting limits and monitoring her behaviour.
Most 13-year-old girls will show similar poor judgment on occasion and this is the reason why it is better to rely on older teenagers or other adults for babysitting.
Poor judgment among younger teenagers arises, often, because the pre-frontal cortex of their brains is still developing. The pre-frontal cortex is that part of the brain that is responsible for impulse control, judging risk and decision-making.
Babysitting is a responsible job and I would suggest that it is worth your while thinking about how responsible she appears to be in other areas of her life. For example, does she manage her money or her phone-credit well? Does she organise herself for school, including getting her homework done? Does she show an ability to plan ahead and work towards achieving goals?
These are the kinds of behaviours that may give a good indicator of her general level of responsibility.
If the answer to these questions is “yes” then it may have been just an unfortunate error of judgment on her part and I would guess that she will learn from her mistake.
She may learn more if, in fact, the punishment you put in place is to deny her the privilege of babysitting for a period, rather than just grounding her. I certainly don’t think that the punishment you have already planned is unreasonable.
By putting in place a punishment you are showing her that there are still limits to her behaviour and you are giving her a chance to contemplate the decisions that she made on that night.
This is a good thing, so don’t be put off by her complaints about the punishment.
In tandem with a punishment, I think you should be explicit in reviewing those decisions with her so that you can help her to plan for how she might behave in the future if she is babysitting again.
We only learn from our mistakes if we get to review them and to use them as the basis for future planning or decision-making.
You should also talk to her about the level of trust that the other family placed in her and how, by bringing other teenagers into the house, she betrayed that trust.
While all of us will, at times, let other people down, we need to learn that the only way to rebuild trust is to prove ourselves to be more reliable in the future.
If the answer to many of my earlier questions is “no” then you should see her actions while babysitting as part of her general level of immaturity. This means that you, as her parents, need to continue to take some decisions on her behalf. I would suggest that one of the decisions you should take is to not allow her to babysit at all until she is older and can demonstrate to you, in other areas of her life, that she is more mature, responsible and trustworthy.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com