HEALTH PLUS:The faux-apology, the "I'm sorry but . . .", and the daily apology all serve only to re-offend, writes Marie Murray
APOLOGIES ARE part of life. They range from the trivial to the abject. They may save a marriage or a nation or they may destroy the last vestiges of a relationship or the final shreds of international diplomacy.
Apologies must be sincere. They must be genuine. They should not be given if they are not felt. If they are disingenuous, their artificiality is transparent and is a re-offence. Apologies are given in a relationship and it takes two people or more to participate in the event.
It is something that has enormous psychological significance, depending on the original act, the context in which it occurred, the time and length of time since it happened, whether or not it was one event or a pattern of behaviour in a relationship and the connection between the people involved.
Apologies must be delivered at the right time and in the service of truly conveying that one has recognised that what was said or done was inappropriate, hurtful, annoying or distressing to the other person, with a wish to make amends.
Anything falling short of that is not an apology. It may be words of apology; it may be an expression of regret, but its motivation and intent are not genuine and it can be more hurtful than saying nothing.
Apologies may be spontaneous or they may be formally required in cases where public offence has been given and there is a need for a person or an organisation to make a public act of contrition.
In these instances, words are considered carefully, each one selected to convey an accurate sense of what occurred and an appropriate level of retraction or contrition for that.
These publicly required, formulaic apologies can also hurt many people. Apologies for a health service that failed while no genuine concern for public health is displayed, while ruthless cutbacks continue and the squandering of resources that could have saved lives is not acknowledged and the message is an admonishment that budgetary realism takes precedent over life and death are not apologies.
If there is no evidence that a public act of contrition will also bring about change, it is seen as the placatory performance it is and incenses the populace further.
In the personal world also, apologies that are not sincere are easily identified. They add fuel to the discontent that originally occasioned them.
Apologies given to end an argument without having truly heard the other person's grievance, such as "okay, I'm sorry, my fault, now are you happy?" are as distasteful as the original offence.
One of the worst kinds of apologies are those given as an excuse to re-open argument, "I'm sorry, but . . ." which is to exonerate the perpetrator rather than to express remorse. The "domestic violence" apology is the ultimate example. This "I'm sorry, but why did you make me hit you?" formula places blame on the victim for provocation.
It is not an apology. It is an excuse. It is given to justify what occurred not redress it.
What about the routine "sorry" for something done daily? This is a passive- aggressive act, rather than an apology. For it is given so that the person can continue to do what they always do and silence any protest by pre-empting it with a veneer of regret.
In the workplace, for example, those who invariably arrive late to every office meeting and offer a formulaic expression of pseudo-regret give no genuine apology to their colleagues at all.
Apologies may contain an explanation, provided it is not an excuse. Most people will understand if someone apologises for being short, irritable, terse or answering touchily out of personal stress or during a difficult time in their lives.
The person who says "I'm sorry I snapped, I've just been so worried this week" is explaining why there has been an aberrant change in their predictable behaviour. This asks other people to understand that it was not planned, not personal, not usual and not intended at all.
Insight is a gift. The rules of social exchange, workplace protocol, family consideration, personal relationship and interpersonal exchange are delicate, complex and can be inadvertently broken.
Sensitivity is important. The foot-in-mouth, the blundering in, the clumsy, gauche approach hurts the perpetrator more than the recipients of his or her tactlessness. We are lucky if we know when we offend and can offer apology.
The instrument of apology is an important human tool, worth using carefully, genuinely and well.
• mmurray@irish-times.ie Clinical psychologist Marie Murray is director of the Student Counselling Services in UCD. Her book, Living our Times, has just been re-released in paperback