In the ultimate challenge to gender norms, a Swedish couple are keeping everyone guessing about the sex of their two-year-old toddler in a ‘social experiment’ that has divided opinion among experts and parents
MOST IRISH parents, especially those expecting their first child, choose not to know the sex of their baby in advance. Many of those who do know still prefer to keep it a secret as long as possible.
Once people hear “boy” or “girl” they start to unconsciousl make assumptions about a child, research has shown.
A couple in Sweden has taken that logic to such extremes that they have refused to tell anyone whether their child is male or female.
Named Pop in the Swedish media to protect his or her identity, only the grandparents and a few close relatives (who have changed Pop’s nappies) know the sex and they are sworn to secrecy.
Pop’s parents, who are in their 20s, believe children are forced into a caricature from birth of how boys and girls should look and behave and society’s insistence on treating them differently.
"It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead," Pop's mother told a Swedish newspaper, Svenska Dagbladet, adding that the longer they can keep Pop's gender a secret, the better the child can avoid preconceived notions of how people should be treated if male or female.
Just how long they manage to preserve the secret, especially as pre-school education is looming, remains to be seen.
Pop is equally fond of train sets and doll houses and wears dresses and also boys’ pants. The two-and-a-half-year-old’s hairstyle changes from traditionally feminine to short back and sides, which keeps friends and neighbours guessing.
Those in Sweden who support the parents’ decision to challenge gender norms and let a child naturally find their own direction include staff at a Dagis (Sweden’s state run kindergartens) in Gävle who conducted a project called ’Brave Girls and Tender Boys’ a few years ago.
Sweden is famed for its commitment to equality of the sexes – over 80 per cent of women work outside the home and more than 53 per cent of members of the Swedish parliament are female. Staff at the kindergarten believed they treated boys and girls the same. But they were horrified to see the differences on video and how the familiar stereotypes – of encouraging girls to participate in traditional gentle play, while boys were taking more risks and indulged to be boisterous – were the norm.
Pop apparently knows there are physical differences between a boy and a girl but the parents never use personal pronouns when referring to the child – calling the child by its name at all times.
“I believe that the self-confidence and personality that Pop has shaped will remain for a lifetime” the toddler’s mother said.
But not everyone – including psychologists, gender development experts and outraged Swedes – believe they are right.
Criticising the parents decision to keep their child’s gender a secret, Canadian psychologist and writer Susan Pinker said: “Child rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as a individual.”
Besides, she told The Local, an online newspaper in Stockholm, they would not be able to keep it a secret for long.
“Children are curious about their own identity and are likely to gravitate towards others of the same sex during free play time in early childhood.”
Many Swedes agree with her, taking the view that the child will gravitate naturally towards children of its own sex and begin behaving in either feminine or masculine ways, proving gender is not entirely socially constructed but is in fact innate.
“I have some lesbian friends who tried to raise their boy to be as gender neutral as possible and they did everything they could to encourage him to be mild, passive and conciliatory,” wrote Gustav Faelbönnran, in one of the numerous reactions to Pop’s genderless status.
“He is six or seven now and likes tools, fire trucks, sports and stuff that makes loud noises. He also likes hitting other kids and throwing temper tantrums, unfortunately.”
Swedish gender equality consultant Kristina Henkel welcomed the discussion on whether gender is a social construction, which the Pop controversy has stirred up.
Henkel said: “Without gender stereotypes (girls in cute frilled pink dresses and boys racing fast cars), children can build character as individuals, unhindered by preconceived notions of what they should be or how they act. I think that can make these kids stronger.”
A storm of protest greeted the news that the unnamed couple had elected not to tell their child whether it is male or female.
“This kid will be all screwed up and will need years of therapy later in life to fit in with the rest of society – stupid parents,” was a typical reaction.
Others said they did not have problems with allowing a child to play with both dolls and trains, but dress and hairstyles were statements of identity and giving a girl a short back and sides or putting a boy in a dress would only invite confusion in the child’s world sooner or later.
Swedish expert on hormonal influences on gender development, Anna Nordenström, a paediatric endocrinologist at the Kaolinska Institute in Stockholm predicts that if Pop is still ‘genderless’ by the time he/she starts school the child will “certainly receive a lot of attention from classmates”.
While studies have not yet pinpointed exactly what determines sexual identity, it’s not based solely on upbringing and hormonal and other influences.
The Pop ‘experiment’ has also resurrected memories of a tragic case from the 1960s, the Brenda/David study which became a textbook case for psychology students.
One of the twin brothers was left without a penis after a circumcision went wrong so the parents decided to raise the boy as a female, re-named Brenda instead of David after cosmetic genitalia reconstruction surgery, with experts arguing that gender was learned rather than innate.
In her teens, as she rebelled against femininity, Brenda learned the truth and afterwards underwent another genetic reconstruction process to become David again.
Denouncing the deception as a failure which had ruined his life, he killed himself at the age of 38.
“As with any family secret, when we try to keep an elemental truth from children, it usually blows up in the parent’s face”, says Susan Pinker. “Ignoring children’s natures simply doesn’t work.”
The crucial question now is when will the toddler be allowed to know its gender.
According to the parents that’s a matter for Pop to decide. With a second child on the way they have no plans to change their ‘formula’.