Miriam Lord in Westport: In the Fianna Fáil war room, plans for the annual Tink-in and Sing Song were well in hand, and soon, it was time to consider the entertainment. Party strategists were unanimous in their view that the entertainment should convey an upbeat and confident message.
Someone who is the epitome of cheerfulness. A performer who radiates glad tidings of comfort and joy - for Fianna Fáil is a good news party. A person accomplished enough to accompany a tipsy senator on a painful run though Foster and Allen's back catalogue.
And so it came to pass that George Lee played the piano for the Soldiers of Destiny last night in Westport.
All evening and on into the early hours, George tickled the ivories for An Taoiseach, his Cabinet, the entire FF parliamentary party, over 60 representatives of the media, chief economist of the Bank of Ireland Dan McLoughlin, Garda Ombudsman Commission member Conor Brady and broadcaster Tom McGurk.
Tom spoke before dinner on the theme of "Modern Republicanism", valiantly resisting the urge to bellow a trademark "Good Evening, GOOD EVENING" at his audience.
George Lee (no, not really the RTÉ man), resplendent in evening attire, sat by his piano throughout the rugby pundit's address, ready to supply incidental music.
It was an excellent dinner, eaten in sweltering conditions. The heating was on at full blast in the dining room of the Hotel Westport, and nobody seemed to think this strange, given the amount of talk about renewable energy that had gone on all day.
Indeed, the heavy weather seemed to be on Bertie Ahern's mind when he spoke in glowing terms of his backbench deputies, who "put their own humid (sic) perspective to issues". Despite the determination of the party top brass to avoid election talk as much as possible, it was the main subject for discussion among their jittery foot soldiers. But not the only topic.
In one informative exchange, we discovered that Minister for Enterprise Micheál Martin was known throughout his schooldays as "Duckie" Martin. Furthermore, his brother Seán, former mayor of Cork, was known as "Pudsey". There is much good work done at these annual Tink-in and Sing Songs, you know.
Nobody went mad during the official letting down of the political hair. Under the musical guidance of George Lee - alright so, he's actually a retired teacher from Kiltimagh and a damn good pianist - there was some raucous singing and a few attempts at dancing.
As usual, Minister for Education Mary Hanafin warbled Those Were the Days. There were high hopes that alpha males Brian Cowen and Tom McGurk might get into a fight, but Biffo was on his best behaviour, mounting something of a charm offensive against the media.
It was easy to spot the aspirant successors to Bertie's throne during the night. Brian Cowen was trying to be winsome, Dermot Ahern was everyone's best mate, Mary Hanafin was the life and the party, and Duckie Martin stayed up way past his bedtime.
An Taoiseach retired early, because he had to swot for his big interview on Morning Ireland. Bertie turned in a very good performance as a result, although no amount of pre-planning could have prepared him for Áine Lawlor daring to suggest that his rival, Enda Kenny, looks better in cycling shorts.
This appeared to sting the blokish Bertie, who pouted: "Enda Kenny is a very good politician. He's been around longer than me."
"Is that a bit of a dig there?" inquired Áine, sensing that the very slightly younger Taoiseach was a bit miffed at the notion that IndaKinny might be wearing better than him.
Then Ms Lawlor twisted the knife with a final reference to the FG leader, murmuring: "Even if he can wear cycling shorts. . ." And with that, a nation jettisoned its breakfast.
Nothing that happened in the bar a few hours before was as frightening as that lingering image of Bertie and Enda in a lycra shorts showdown. The most alarming moment of the night came when Longford deputy Peter Kelly felt he had to match his legendary display at last year's Cavan Tink-in, when he danced his way through an Elvis medley and then proceeded to remove his shoes and juggle them.
This year, he abandoned the singing altogether. Instead, he juggled empty bottles and did a lively dance routine with a full pitcher of water on his head.
But it was back down to work yesterday morning after this long bonding session, with the state of the health service and party organisation on the agenda.
In the dead heat of this Mayo morning, a listless media contingent waited for Minister for Finance Cowen to wrap up proceedings by chairing a final press conference.
Suddenly, at midday: high drama. Minister for the Environment Dick Roche steamed into the press room, declaring that an emergency was imminent.
"Clear your drains!" he cried. "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!"
For Dick was issuing a flood warning, but assuring the nation that he has ordered local authorities to "keep their heads" and stock up on sandbags.
Parts of the country could experience the biggest floods in a quarter of a century, due to a combination of high tides and low pressure. "Inspect your drains!" quivered Dick.
Then he left rapidly, because party handlers had just issued a major photo opportunity warning in advance of the traditional end-of-conference, family photo.
More than a few deputies will have been wondering if this will be their last.
Finally, with the boss on his way home, Brian Cowen took charge. He never once raised his voice during an interesting exchange of views with journalists.
He almost sounded humble.
Yes, Brian even admitted that the Government has failed to "articulate" their achievements to the voters. He winced when he used the "F" word.
Brian feels the electorate has "a choice between soundbite politics, obsessed with getting into power no matter what, and a credible record and platform of delivering for the Irish people". "I believe we have the bottle for the battle," barked Biffo.
It'll be shoe sizes and cycling shorts at dawn, so.