Patricia Kilroy is the author of If Your Child is Gay or Lesbian, a booklet which provides information and advice to parents coming to terms with their child's sexuality.

Patricia wrote the book not as an academic or as a social worker, but as the parent of a gay child. "My youngest son was 19 when he told me he was gay." That was in 1981 and Patricia remembers her reaction was not shock but surprise, as she knew so little about homosexuality.

"It was such a secret thing then and people didn't talk about it - or if they did it was in hushed tones," she says.

Looking back, she is bemused by her own misconceptions and lack of knowledge.

"It sounds quite ludicrous now, but I though there might be two or three gay people in Ireland, so I was very much in need of information."

At first she thought that it might just be a passing phase - "after all my son was just 19, maybe he would grown out of it". However, gradually she realised it wasn't going to go away.

"I took it in over the course of the next few days and weeks. We always talked a lot and he gave me a lot of information."

It was several months before her son told his father, but he also took the news quite well and was, says Patricia, wonderfully supportive.

Patricia's three other children accepted their brother was gay without hesitation. "They were grand about it there's nothing like being young for taking in these things," she says.

Patricia came to terms with her son's sexuality quite quickly, but she couldn't help feeling sad and disappointed on his account. "I did feel sad for him. I felt that he'd miss out on having a family of his own, but it's just something that you have to accept.

"I thought he'd lead a sad and lonely life, which I'm glad to say is very far from the truth. The support from the gay community is quite wonderful."

Patricia never had the feelings of shame and betrayal common to so many parents who discover their child is gay, and she says she never really worried about what people would think, other than those she was close to, who were all very supportive.

"My only worry was for him, but I didn't talk to him about it because I didn't want to put any notions of fear in his mind. But he's a person of great courage and intelligence, so I think he knew the problems he would face before he told me."

She quickly realised that while the family could accept her son, in the 1980s the rest of Ireland might not be so understanding.

Two years after Patricia's son had come out to his parents, a gay man was murdered in Fairview Park, Dublin. This death followed a series of beatings of gay men in the park. A protest march was organised and Patricia felt that she too must protest about an attitude which could threaten her own son.

There she met Phil Moore of Parents' Equiry (which later became Parents' Support). Since then, Patricia has worked with Parents' Support to help other parents understand homosexuality and to give them the knowledge to enable them to face their fears.

"Information was the answer for me. It blows fears out of the water. The purpose of Parents' Support is to offer information and tell people who are distressed or confused about the help which is available to them." Patricia has used issues she has faced about her son's sexuality to advise both parents and their gay children.

"My son didn't have a partner until some years after he told me he was gay. This gave me time to adjust. When I talk with gay people I'm inclined to say: `Don't tell them the two things together, it's too much for them.' That delay is very important and sometimes all parents need is time."

Patricia says that once she thought about it, she was actually very glad when her son told her he had a partner. "Why would we want our gay son to lead a lonely life when we wouldn't wish it for our other children? They're all just the same to us."

Patricia says that finding out her son was gay never changed her feelings for him.

"If you look into the eyes of your child, you see the same person you've always known, the same person you've reared through all the years."

If Your Child is Gay or Lesbian is available free by contacting Gay Switchboard Dublin on (01) 8721055.