Family dynamics: How your responses determine your child's actions. Dr Tony Humphreys reports

It is not uncommon for parents to find their first child becoming difficult, unmanageable, defiant, destructive and continuously getting himself into trouble following the birth of a second child. Such behaviour can be exacerbated when the new arrival is an exceptionally happy and responsive baby and continues in that vein as he grows older.

Unwittingly, the parents may frequently remark "how good" this child is and "how bad" their older child is. The parents may have some sense that their older child is jealous of the baby, but may not see why, since they believe they are still devoted to their first child. However, parents need to understand that their first child sees the new arrival as a usurper who has taken his parents' love and attention.

Since his parents continue to be so impressed by his new brother's "goodness", the eldest can give up entirely on "being good" and turn to "being bad" in order to get his parents' attention. As the "good" infant brother grows up, he will subtly get his older brother to fight with him so that he can put him into a further bad light.

What is amazing is how both children manage to keep their parents busy with them, each in a different way. What is equally astonishing is how each child acts according to how he has perceived the family dynamics and, subconsciously, co-operates with the other to maintain the equilibrium and the competitive style.

Some psychologists believe that the child who is being disruptive has misinterpreted the situation and that his younger brother is not being favoured by his parents. The implication is that the younger sibling has interpreted things accurately. I disagree. I believe both children have assessed the situation very well. The eldest child is no longer an only child and his parents are exhibiting an over-responsiveness to the good and compliant behaviour of their second child. How can he compete with that?

Furthermore, the love shown is conditional: good behaviour gaining love and attention and bad behaviour earning criticism and rejection. However, what the parents are not realising is that in the eyes of their older child even a critical response is attention. He prefers being scolded to being ignored. Contradictory as it may sound, the older child desires to be bad because this serves his need to establish a place for himself within the family.

It is equally important to see that the youngest child has assessed the situation and has concluded: "I am the good child. My parents are so pleased with me. Herein lies my significance". However, both children will continue to experience deep insecurity.

The parents of these two children are in quite a dilemma. How can they encourage their older child to let go of being bad and, even more so, how can they encourage their younger child to let go of having to be good?

The latter challenge is more difficult because the parents certainly do not want another difficult child on their hands. The crux of this situation, and this applies to both children, is that a child is not his behaviour. All children and adults exhibit a mix of good and bad behaviours, but each child deserves and needs love, celebration, cherishing and acceptance.

No difficult behaviour or indeed, "pleasing" behaviour merits the withdrawing or giving of love.Certainly, a difficult behaviour needs to be positively, lovingly and cheerfully corrected, but in a way that the child sees that it is the specific behaviour that is being corrected and not him. This is true also for the good action, that attention is given to the specific action and not the child.

Each child has the deepest longing for his or her unique presence to be affirmed and for their actions to be specifically encouraged, but not mistaken for their person.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem, the Key to Your Child's Future