The anguish of suicide

The devastation felt by a family when a young person commits suicide is overwhelming. Meanwhile, report after report shows the incidence of suicide among young people under 24 is going up every year. The most recent figures show a person a day commits suicide, and one in four of those is under 24.

The big question is always, why? - especially these days when teenagers seem to have more opportunities then ever before. However according to Pat Donnelly, bereavement counsellor with Solas, the bereavement service for children run by Barnardo's, "much as there are many positive effects, this whole Celtic tiger phenomenon is actually putting teenagers under unbearable pressure.

"They're expected to have everything from runners worth a week's wages to fancy mobile phones, but where are they going to find the money for those sorts of things?

"Many of them work part-time as well as study for pressurised exams like the Leaving, and increasingly we find teenagers using our services who are in a lot of debt."

From financial pressure to the pressure of having a wild sex life, these days teenagers increasingly have to contend with issues which adults find difficult.

"Watching television, they see their peers on soap operas deal with problems like pregnancy and single parenting, " says Donnelly, "and feel they should similarly sail through difficulties.

"They are being thrust into an adult world of complicated emotional relationships when, in fact, they have neither the adult experience nor skills to cope with these issues in an adult way. To hear them talking, you'd think they were experts, but if you probe, you find they tend really only to have quite a basic understanding of the issues".

Adolesence has always been a tough time, for parents and their children alike, says Donnelly. "There are so many fast and furious developmental changes to cope with, and the usual peer pressure in relation to everything from appearance to taking drugs. "Between one thing and another it can be very hard to find time to let off any steam, so the parents feel the brunt of it at home. What might seem like the most minor argument can be blown out of all proportion. "Sometimes the consequences can be quite drastic. A teenager might just impulsively decide `I'm going to show you', and maybe take an overdose.

"He may not have intended to kill himself at all; it may just have been an expression of frustration, but it goes very badly wrong."

Sometimes it just seems like dying is the only way to deal with the difficulties of being alive. "They will often say something to us like `I just wish I was dead', but if you ask them have they contemplated suicide, they'll be quite surprised. They just mean they feel life would probably be easier elsewhere.

"Unfortunately some teenagers these days do have the means to kill themselves. More of them dabble with drugs or drink an awful lot; they also speed around in cars - some teenagers do live on the edge a bit but they don't always realise the consequences".

But suicide isn't always either an accident or an impulsive act. Some young people contemplate suicide, some make several attempts, and some do ultimately kill themselves. "The reasons young people commit suicide are very complex, it rarely boils down to one single factor. It is often associated with mental illness like depression.

"It also happens that many separations and losses from a young age can mean teenagers have less coping skills, although, in my experience, family breakdown in isolation is not an issue. It does seem to be associated with drug use and alcohol, though".

When a young person commits suicide, the whole family feels deeply shocked and vulnerable.

"Suicide can lead to a certain intrusion into the family life", says Donnelly. "The media may become involved, and there is an inquest. There is also a profound sense of bewilderment, and fear of who might be next. The children even fear for their parents.

"The effect on the whole family is very intense, and it takes years to deal with it".

The truth is, as always, a key factor on the road to recovery. "Parents slowly unfold the story of the death, gradually filling in the details", says Donnelly. "We would work with the parents first, then when they are ready, the family will come together and the parents start to explain the death.

"Initially they might say something like `John died because of a bad accident to his neck', and refer to problems he was having and how he didn't think there was any other way of coping. "Usually you move on from there, answering the children's questions. It doesn't matter if parents don't tell children the whole truth initially, they are very forgiving and accept when parents tell them what in fact happened. "But they do like to feel they are the first to know the truth, otherwise they can feel betrayed".

Teenagers don't commit suicide because of something their parents have failed to do, says Donnelly.

"Despite the best efforts of the parents and even the school, it can be out of anyone's control, and suicide is the only way a teenager sees as solving his or her problems.

The best preventative measure parents can take is to create an atmosphere where everyone feels able to talk. Something like dinner time, or better again for teenagers who hate that `Lets' all sit down and talk' thing, bring them with you in the car for a message, something like that.

Parents really are under a lot of pressure themselves these days, but whenever possible, it is ideal if each child can have his or her own space for a chat with mum or dad".

Responding To Youth Suicide and Attempted Youth Suicide in Ireland is a new policy document from Barnardo's.

Solas, the Barnardo's bereavement counselling service, is contactable at Christchurch Square, Dublin 8 (tel: (01) 453 0355).