Success and failure sides of same coin

Some parents put pressure on their children to achieve high marks in examinations. This focus on exam performance starts in primary school, increases in tempo as children progress through secondary school and reaches a crescendo coming up to the Leaving Certificate examination.

What needs to be appreciated are the reasons parents put such undue emphasis on their children's exam results. Every parent wants the best for his or her children and to be seen as caring and effective parents. However, some parents view their children's potential or poor academic performance as a reflection on their parenting and, to offset the judgments of others, they pressurise their children to bring home the "good" school report card.

Parents who are vulnerable to the criticisms of others need understanding, support and help to free themselves of such dependencies. Portraying them as "bad" parents only confirms their worst fears and pushes them deeper into protecting themselves - resulting in increased expectations of their children.

There are other parents who fear academic or occupational or domestic or social failure. They can put huge pressure on themselves to succeed - and they project this emotional baggage onto their offspring.

These parents also need compassion and direction in order to come to a place where they no longer equate their unique worth with a transient success experience.

Parents and children alike need to embrace failure and success as integral to learning and not as an index of either their capability or lovability. Failure and success are the nuts and bolts of learning: without failure, no success, without success, no failure.

What counts most in learning is effort; once this is nurtured, encouraged, praised and rewarded, adults and children will thrive, educationally and occupationally.

While it is true that parents need to resolve their own emotional problems and not project these on to each other or their children, it is equally true to say that there have not been too many emotionally safe forums for adults to achieve such maturity.

In the same way that judgments, criticism, ridicule, cynicism, sarcasm and irritability undermine children's security, similar reactions to parents further undermine their security.

Schools and communities could be venues where courses for parents on self-development, parenting and educating their children could be organised. For those parents in need of more in-depth help, a community based and fully-funded confidential counselling service is required.

During the process of redeeming their own self-worth and independence - particularly coming up to exam time - parents can do much to help themselves and their children to cope with examination stress.

The should acknowledge to themselves, and to their children, their own fears of failure and worries about what others think of them. Such openness makes it safe for children to voice anxieties. It sets the foundation for both parties to see that their worth lies in themselves and not in examination results.

Parents should stay on the sidelines of young people's preparation and study for examinations and, from there, encourage, support and acknowledge the efforts being made. Ask if there's anything you can do to make it easier for your exam student.

Avoid criticism, cajoling, ridicule, irritability and aggression as ways of motivating children to study. Such responses serve only to decrease motivation.

When minimal (or no) study efforts are being made, express concern and enquire who and what is causing such apathy. These questions need to be expressed in a loving way; any show of hostility and the young person will quickly withdraw or react aggressively. It is also true that any show of undue anxiety by parents may catapult children into over-working or rebelling.

When children are making excessive efforts to learn and manifesting anxiety about results, it is vital that parents reassure them that they are loved for themselves and that no matter what result they get that it will neither add nor detract from that love.

Parents also need to encourage these children to lower their expectations of themselves, set more realistic goals and study at a less intense level.

Do not use material goods (new outfit, motorbike, car, holiday) as a means of increasing motivation and application to study. Children will see that parents are more concerned about their own image rather than their welfare.

Remember that humour is a great means of keeping our feet on the ground and not losing sight of what counts between parents and children - love.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist.