IN FORMER years our teenagers lived within the bosom of the traditional family. Today, however, the notion of family is much broader and young people live with adults who are not, biologically, their parents. In many ways this can be a very constructive unit for the young person to develop in at the same time, the situation also raises issues which can present a great challenge.
The traditional picture painted of the step parent does not greatly help to enhance his or her image in the eyes of the teenager.
As children, we first learn about step mothers in fairy stories. In the average, everyday fairy tale the adjective "wicked" seems to go hand in hand with the noun "step mother". The picture created by this noun is of a jealous, cold hearted, conniving woman who is out to deprive the children of the very last thing they possess their father.
If you are a child - she's the one who will dump you in the middle of a dark forest and have your heart cut out, or she can arrange for a witch to stuff you in an oven. You, the child, always manage to frustrate her plans, but it's not for the want of trying on this wicked, wanton woman's part! We rarely seem to encounter a step father in fairy stories - wicked or otherwise. We do meet real fathers. For the most part, the father really does seem to love his children and tries to do his best for them, God help him - but what could the poor lad do once the divil, of a step mother worked her wily ways on him? She is conniving and heartless he is powerless and ineffective - the children head for the woods.
It is no wonder that the modern teenager may feel a wee bit apprehensive about the arrival of this newcomer to the family. The teenagers may be used to being consulted about important decisions concerning the family and, indeed, may have been consulted on this matter and expressed extreme opposition. The relationship may have gone ahead and blossomed anyway. The young people may have had to stand back and watch it happen.
If the step-parent expresses any disagreement during the early period she or he may well be greeted with a statement such as: "Well, we never wanted you to come here in the first place.
The above statement may seem extraordinarally cheeky to some adults but what we must remember is that teenagers can really "take the gloves off" with step parents. Whereas biological parents are protected by the fact that they are unique - "don't talk to your mum like that, she's the only one you will ever have" - and by the fact that society sees them as playing a very sacred role, step parents on the other hand, are infinitely replacable. The role of step parent can be played by absolutely anybody and the young members of the family may even feel that the sooner it is played by somebody else the better.
Even if our bewildered stepparent chooses to overlook such resentment and respond with love and patience, this may make the situation even worse. The young people may feel that, if they draw close to this new adult, they are betraying the original parental bond. The more they see this new member becoming comfortable within the bosom of the family, the more the fear may deepen that all memories and residual presence of Mum or Dad who is absent, may be forgotten. The young people may feel they need to fight against the change and keep the family "the way it was before." The step parent, on the other hand, has chosen this unit as their new home. They are depending on all of the members of this unit to make them welcome and establish a sense of belonging. However, they, may rapidly begin to feel a stranger within the walls of their new home. What if we totally changed our perceptions of a step parent? What if we saw the step parent as someone who provided what was needed, not because she or he had to, as is the duty of a parent, but because they wanted to and chose to? Could we see the step parent as someone who was out for what she or he could give rather than what she or he could get? Would this vision not give our modern step parent a very valuable head start on the difficult path of step parenting.
If we changed our vision would this make the role of step parenting an easy one? Hardly. However, the task can be made slightly easier if the step parent is very clear on their expectations from the outset.
The couple must realise that they will have far less time to dedicate to each other than will partners in a "traditional" relationship.
Stepparents have to deal with issues in a ready made family right from the very start. The natural parent will spend much time reassuring the children; their partner will start the long process of establishing trust. Both roles are very time consuming.
Again, on the question of time, it must be made clear to the children that, while they are loved and cared for, their parent needs to spend time with his or her new partner. This may be difficult at the start and may cause guilt within the relationship and resentment among the children - but this is where infinite patience is needed.
The couple must also bear in mind that, while their teenagers may be upset at the changing nature of their family unit, most "traditional" families may also be experiencing quite a bit of upset during, teenage years. Some teenagers may have a difficult time establishing a sense of identity and haying a stepparent in your home may be a very handy hook upon which to hang all your frustrations.
The step parent must know that the acute resentment which may be directed towards him or her is not personal - it is merely the expression of a young person's frustration with their own situation. It will reassure the young person enormously if the step parent makes it abundantly clear that they have no intention of usurping the role of Mum or Dad. The most they hope to do is to play the role of a significant adult. Having looked at the complexity of this role, one may well wonder why anyone would choose to do it. At the early stage, it may seem as if all this effort is having little effect. However, for anyone tenacious enough to undertake it, the rewards for the stepparent are many. When giving the time and understanding, this family unit can respond really well - the role of the Fairy Step parent is utterly attainable.
