A friend of mine asked me to come over for a chat the other day - she was really worried about her daughter's behaviour of late.

This daughter - a quiet, studious, kind girl who helped her with the other children and was always sensitive and gentle towards others - was undergoing a character turnaround. She is 14, starting to use bad language (which she used to hate), is rebellious, shouts, is insensitive - and not a day passes that she doesn't upset or insult someone in the household.

Did I think she might have a brain tumour? Should she take her to a doctor? She had tried to talk to her about anything that might be upsetting her life at school or with friends, but her daughter scoffed at any attempt to talk about "her problems".

After listening to my friend for some time, I realised that all the symptoms her daughter was displaying were thought of as normal enough behaviour at a particularly stormy period of adolescence. To reassure herself that her daughter was healthy she could have a check-up with her GP; however, without any other physical symptoms it sounded like a patch of teenageritis to me.

Teenage time can be a volatile time for both children and parents. Although we hear about "the changes" both bodily and psychologically that can occur, when the time comes it can take parents by surprise.

The teenager is half child, half woman or man, and the first steps to maturity can be awkward and faltering. The psychological changes that occur can present other changes, like moodiness and emotional confusion.

We watch while our children develop during growth spurts into this large body, often towering over us, throbbing with sexual hormones, wishes and desires. All these changes can spark off many an argument with a parent who wishes to protect the child - who now looks like a man or woman, but really still has a childlike innocence.

Of course, as if all these changes were not enough, there is all the input of knowledge happening at school. The world is opening up to them; exam pressure and peer pressure have huge influences on how they behave towards others and how they perceive themselves. Teenagers struggle to cope with all these at once, and at times it is the near family, parents and siblings who bear the brunt of the many frustrations the teenager feels. Girls tend to mature earlier than boys and this can, again, lead to more things to cope with - periods, sexual feelings, fantasies and experimenting - which can lead to a child having a child if not properly monitored and educated carefully.

So while all this is happening, though we may often get annoyed and frustrated - not to mention upset - with our changeling, we must remind ourselves that adolescence is not a terminal disease. Most of what is happening is a stormy reaction to fellings and changes that they are having difficulty coping with.

Remember, most adolescents get through the teenage years with no permanent psychological problems. Yes, many have turbulent patches when they rebel. What we must remember is that this is not Rebel without a Cause - they have plenty of reasons for the rollercoaster of emotions they display.

So we should expect them to assert their independence, to reject our views or decisions as they question different ways of doing things.

Please try not to take any rejection of your way of life too personally. There will be questionings, mistakes, rebellions during the transition from childhood to womanhood or manhood.

The most parents can do is to try to understand life from their teenagers point of view.

Acknowledge your child's ambivalent feelings.

Whatever plans she or he comes up with - moving out, taking contraception, whatever - do not just dismiss the views out of hand. Let him/her put views forward and calmly put your own forward. Then together discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both views.

Share some of your teenage years - the mistakes and other occasions - with them.

Keep open the lines of communication - keep talking.

Don't give up. Keep listening, keep being supportive in any way you can.

You need to muster all the patience and love you can when teenagers keep pushing you away, but it is by letting them go gracefully that you can be there with open arms for the coming together again. Inside, they are still those little children needing to be loved and accepted.

Remember, this is a phase and your son or daughter will soon return to you. The influence of the many years of love and caring and guidance you gave to them through their lives will emerge again as they mature to adulthood.