Looking after number two

WE ARE ALL familiar with the cliche's you need a licence for a dog but not to have children, etc. However, it is important for parents to recognise that their own needs did not evaporate the moment their first child arrived.

We live in a culture where it appears the needs of the child are not only primary but exclusive in family life. Somewhere along the way, it seems parents have had to take a back seat.

What a contrast to Dickensian images of better off children playing in the dark recesses of a large house, nurtured only by a nanny. It seems the pendulum has swung to the other side parents today are subject to every whim of their precious offspring.

Given the dilemma of purchasing the £80 plus runners for their little superstar or a romantic dinner for the two of them, there are no prizes for guessing which option will be chosen by most parents.

While one must be aware of the terrible reality of child abuse, most parents appear to be on permanent guilt trips to provide that latest Manchester United strip or brand name runners ad nauseum. The same items are usually for sale in Dunnes without the logo for a fraction of the cost, but not the appeal.

I would urge parents to re-evaluate their own needs. Get in touch with them and do something about it.

There are benefits to be accrued all around if you are taking care of yourself, the chances are you will be in a better frame of mind to manage your child.

The first step is to identify those long lost needs. Think about the activities you would like to do but currently are not engaging in. Try to remember what you did before the children arrived this can be for yourself and/or with your partner.

Write the activities down, and include even the ones you might initially consider impractical.

The next step is to figure out how you are going to do these activities. This is where judicious use of time is of the essence.

Your approach should be to figure out how you can do it, rather than concluding that it is not possible. Make out a weekly schedule and pencil in the times you will be involved with your own activities. ,Work through this with your partner so that you can complement each other's activities as well as planning an evening together.

Set yourself goals for the next six months. These should be in three different areas family goals should relate to matters with the house or children work goals should relate to completing training courses or improving your lot in your place of work and, most important, personal goals need to be set which have nothing to do with either the children or your job, whether it is inside or outside the home.

These last can be something to do with self improvement, starting a new activity such as aerobics, or simply making the determination to create a new social life for yourself. The most important step is to start now. There is no better time.

What follows are some ideas for taking care of yourselves as parents.

1 Take regular exercise and watch your diet.

By taking regular exercise you will actually increase your energy levels. If you feel that is not possible, given the demands on your time, make the time. It is too important not to, and there is no better use of your time.

In relation to diet, the curse of caffeine has been well highlighted. The recommendation would be to reduce it or even eliminate it. Essentially, if you reduce consumption of red meat and junk food and eat more vegetables, grains and fruit, this will also increase your energy levels and improve your mood.

2 Pamper yourself.

There are many ways this can be done and every one has his or her own preference.Having a massage or beauty treatment is one option. Attending a class on yoga or meditation may be the answer. Buying yourself a treat now and then is quite acceptable. Or maybe something for your partner?

What about going to the theatre or having dinner out, or both? It is not necessary to engage in a personal ethical debate as to whether you should do these things or not. Simply go ahead and plan them.

3 Plan for breaks away from the children.

Taking a weekend break does not have to cost a fortune and can pay huge dividends for all parties. Parents should get away as often as is possible. With about seven holiday weekends available each year, there is no excuse.

4 Actively plan to reduce stress.

Parent's often feel they have to do everything in order to make their household function. When the pressures of this become too great, they develop a sense of failure.

This does not have to be the case. For example, if it is affordable, you should take on some home help. It can be a tremendous boost to know that your house will be tidy, even for one morning a week. This is not as impractical as it may seem at first the satisfaction of a tidy house is a significant stress reducer and well worth the outlay.

5 Develop good time management skills.

This has already been touched on, but you may require further information. There are a number of excellent books available on the topic at any good bookshop.

6 Assert yourself.

With the growing of the rights of children, it appears that the rights of parents have been eroded over time. It is important for parents to assert themselves with their children and with each other.

Communication is crucial to a harmonious household. This does not mean that you must become aggressive or bossy, but you do need to be able to make a stand and express yourself clearly.

Again, there are some good books on the topic, or you may choose to enrol in a class on assertiveness. Alternatively, you may decide that from now on your views are just as important as anyone else and take it from there.

The message is clear. If parents want to manage their children effectively, they must first take the initiative to look after themselves and not feel guilty about it. Here are some reminders for managing your children effectively

. Planning ahead is the most effective way of managing behaviour

. Try to catch your child being good.

. Ignoring minor misbehaviour is usually more effective than giving out.

. Consistency is a crucial ingredient in successful child management.

. Remember, work first and then play. Use this sequence always.

. Be easy on yourself. Don't expect perfection from either your child or yourself.

. Beware of the relatives who think they know best.

. Good luck!

. Dr Mark Harrold is a clinical psychologist.