Listening is essential to communication

Listening is the first act of communication. Many people that I help to overcome social phobias express fears of not being able to start and maintain a conversation. I explain that what most people need in company is someone to listen, to understand, empathise and show interest in their presence and in their lives.

There are many people who are good at talking and some who dominate conversations, so that nobody can get a word in edgeways. People who are good at listening are thin on the ground, even though the basis of meaningful contact with another is active listening.

Active listening is when you listen with both mind and heart and demonstrate spontaneous physical, social and emotional responses to what the other person is saying.

Active listening not only takes note of what is being said verbally but also notes the array of non-verbal messages that accompany the spoken word: tone-of-voice, facial expression, mannerisms, body posture, eye movements, affective state (flat, hostile, distressed, tense, depressed).

People who actively listen also listen to themselves by observing their own internal and external reactions to what the other person is saying.

However, whilst "self listening" is necessary so that the person stays in tune with what is happening within them, the person who is good at listening does not allow this information to distract them from focusing on the other person. The listener may mentally note that there is something that will need to be considered later or may wait for an opportunity to voice reactions, but not at the expense of the other.

There are many behaviours that block effective listening. The list includes: non-listening, "wanting my turn", moralising, advice-giving, the "me-too" syndrome, anxiety, fatigue, present psycho-social state.

The most hurtful of the above responses is non-listening. I recall a man telling me that it suddenly dawned on him, when he was four years old, that his mother never listened to him. Four-year-olds need to ask a lot of questions in order to understand the complex world they live in. My client stopped asking. In his mid-thirties, he had many questions that required answering. He also needed to be helped to listen to himself.

People who "want their turn" cannot wait to express their own views and rarely allow the other person the time or opportunity to expand their ideas. This behaviour springs from the person's own insecurities and drive to be seen, and heard, by others. These individuals are not in a place of readiness to listen and are rarely a good source of support.

Moralising is an attempt by the listener to impose their own value system on the other. Not surprisingly, it is guaranteed to dry up the speaker's flow of spontaneity and disclosures. I remember a woman telling me that she had gone to her family doctor to get help for her failing marriage and her confusion around feeling attracted to another man. She found herself being quickly put in her place by the doctor's response: "Your place is with your husband and children." She did not return to that doctor.

A useful rule of thumb to use when listening is to "never give advice unless it is requested". Even if requested, offer suggestions but not advice.

Advice-giving is putting yourself in the superior position. It carries an implicit criticism of the ability of the person being listened to find his or her own solutions and conclusions. Those who give advice often have an addiction to being needed.

The "me-too syndrome" is a major communication stopper, because the person who is listening really only wants to talk about themself. No matter what the other person says, he or she will find a way to relate it back to themself. "Let me tell you about my experience" and "You think you've had it bad?" are typical examples. People who slip into "me too" responses, generally speaking, have an overwhelming drive to be listened to, and, until this is resolved, they are unlikely to become effective at active listening.

Anxiety makes listening difficult. If you are unsure of yourself, or you are anxious about an examination, you are not in a position to listen. What would help is the voicing of your anxiety. Hopefully, the other person is in a position to listen and support you.

Energy is vital to listening. Fatigue stops listening. Your psycho-social state can also be a serious block to listening. I remember feeling bitter and angry over the death of someone I had dearly loved and carrying that psycho-social state into company.

I was not in any place to listen to or empathise with others. Fortunately, a friend suggested I would be better off being on my own and not inflicting myself on others. What I needed was to listen to myself and work through my grieving process.

In the family, listening is essential to effective communication. When students are facing major examinations, active listening will ease the pressure. Avoid using "should", "ought to", "have to" and advice-giving.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist.