How do you measure a child's heart?

Hot on the heels of research into the multiplicity of intelligences a child might possess comes more news of the most important of all - "emotional intelligence".

John Gottman's The Heart of Parenting: How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child (written with journalist Joan Declaire) is the result of some 20 years of research into the importance of emotional interactions between parent and child. The "key" to successful parenting is not found in complex theories, Gottman writes. "Good parenting begins in your heart, and then continues on a moment to moment basis by engaging your children when feelings run high, when they are sad, angry or scared."

Gottman expands on a process he calls "emotion coaching". Emotion-coaching parents "get involved with their childrens feelings", they neither ignore nor criticise them. These parents accept their children's emotions, empathise with them, but offer guidance and set limits.

Parents who want to engage in emotion coaching follow five steps: they become aware of the child's emotion; they use a highly charged emotional situation as an opportunity for intimacy; they validate their child's feelings; they help their child define feelings and they explore strategies for solving the problem that is giving rise to the emotions. When, for instance, a child is faced with an unpleasant situation, such as going into the creche in the morning, the emotion-coaching parent agrees it isn't nice, explains it has to be done, and then looks forward to a special time they will share together. Obviously, if parents are to foster sophisticated ways of working with emotions, they will have to take stock of their own emotional intelligence. Gottman devotes a chapter to advice on how parents might assess their style of parenting. There are four to choose from: the dismissing parent, the disapproving parent, the laissez-faire parent and the emotion coach.

Having identified your parenting style, you are ready for Gottman's "Five Key Steps for Emotion Coaching". There are more tests to score yourself by, this time in relation to your emotional awareness. Any necessary improvements in this area can be facilitated with the aid of daily check lists and wall charts.

That done, it's on to step one, "Being Aware of the Child's Emotions". Gottman makes the all-important point here that it isn't always easy to understand your children's emotions. Nonetheless it is important to acknowledge the feeling being expressed, while bearing in mind that not all children - or adults for that matter - can articulate the reasons for their emotions.

Gottman reiterates the steps mentioned at the beginning of the book - accepting, empathising etc - and elaborates on how to put these into practice. In time, both the parents and the children will become more aware of their feelings and more willing to express them.

This does not mean that "emotion coaching" guarantees smooth sailing, Gottman cautions. He then goes on to list strategies which should help overcome any blocks parents encounter.

Gotttman also looks at children's emotional health in relation to marital conflict and divorce, and describes the crucial role of fathers in children's emotional development. Finally, he advises on emotion coaching as children grow.

It may seem like a lot of hard work. Ultimately, however, "children whose parents consistently practice emotion coaching have better physical health and score higher academically . . . get along better with friends, have fewer behavioural problems, and are less prone to acts of violence," Gottman writes. "In short, they're more healthy emotionally."

Anne Colgan, manager of the parents' programme with the National Parents Council (Primary), read The Heart of Parenting this summer. "My initial reaction was one of resistence to the language. `Emotional intelligence', `coaching' etc - these ideas seem to run counter to the kind of nurturing and support children need from their parents. "I think emotional intelligence, in particular, is a very risky phrase to introduce into the area of parent-child relations. It puts parents under pressure and leads to making inappropriate comparisons.

"I found all the test scoring and wall charts a bit much. I can't imagine any parent having time for this first thing on a Monday morning. I also found the notion of punishment and reward in relation to discipline jarring - it is an approach to discipline which is now regarded as pretty old-fashioned.

"Essentially Gottman's book offers a worthwhile overview of parenting strategies for anyone who is new to parenting literature, and I would endorse the key message that parents should respect and take their childrens' feelings seriously. But the underlying assumption that all parents have a high level of emotional security and the skills to use this approach is unrealistic. "I think, in fact, you could rule out the majority of us there!"

The Heart of Parenting: How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman with Joan Declaire is published by Bloomsbury (£16.99 in UK).