"Hot housing" ignores child's needs

MOST PARENTS want their children to do well. We are all ambitious for our children; this is normal and natural. Yet we have all heard of parents who start - during infancy or before - to "hot house" their child with knowledge and then groom her to be the world's greatest tennis player, musician, or doctor.

These parents are not just ambitious for their child - they want their child to be the very best, at whatever cost. This blind ambition often overlooks the needs of the child.

Yes, it is very important to expose children of all ages to learning and enriching opportunities that will build their knowledge and skills and enhance their development. However, when activities are inappropriate for the age or ability of the child they can lead to problems.

For example, sitting a toddler in front of memory cards for long periods of time, force feeding information that she is too young to understand, could prove harmful. A child needs a stimulating environment, learning at this age by read ing, pictures and activity - certainly not repetitive testing at the expense of time playing or relaxing with a cuddly parent.

If each learning project is done with the child's age in mind and a balance struck between play and learning, all will be well. Otherwise the very young can lose their basic playful nature, missing out on the joy of childhood and the spirit of youthful adventure.

Perhaps you think such parents don't exist! Not so, unfortunately: there are many parents talking about their toddlers' careers already.

Competition is healthy, but if children are pushed into situations where only the very best survive it can diminish self esteem. Music, sports and talent competitions of any sort can be great fun and valuable - unless they go against the child's natural interest, ability or character.

Then it can create anxiety, fear and humiliation. Also, any failure to be selected as a winner can leave the child feeling very rejected.

Intense competition can interfere with a parent child relationship and also any peer relationships. When you are obsessed with being number one, friendship, caring, and sharing tend not to be a priority.

We as parents build up our relationship with our children on love and trust. The foundations of that trust comes from the very beginning, when we feed, change and generally care for and love our babies. We comfort them when they cry, we feed them when hungry, they learn to rely on us for unconditional love.

When this trust is nurtured throughout childhood, our little ones develop confidence and self esteem. However, if they learn that we equate love and acceptance with the ability to perform well or get the best marks, a child can feel rejected and unappreciated for herself and only loved for what she does or how well she does it.

As children start school, especially from age five to 12 years, the attitude, influence and motivation from home can greatly affect them.

Even the brightest of children can feel overwhelmed by pressure from parents and get themselves in a terrible state of anxiety, especially if the child or the parents feel they are not doing well.

Unreasonable expectations of children can lead to burnout. A young child can display symptoms such as bed wetting, headaches, restlessness and depression. The older child may rebel against family standards, becoming disruptive, argumentative - even resorting to alcohol or drugs to escape the pressure.

Of course, most pushy parents are well intentioned and can often be unaware of the toll their pressure can take. The parents can feel responsible for their child's success or failure.

If children gets Cs instead of As they can feel they have failed as parents. Society can reinforce this reaction. Often parents are congratulated when a child does well - "Well done, you must be proud"; the general message is you have produced a successful product.

Fortunately, children are little people, not products, and their accomplishments belong to them.

SUCCESS DOES NOT equal love. Yes, you can encourage your little one to be the very best she can - or even better than anyone else, if she can do so happily - but only when you respect your own child's individuality and value her as a whole person.

It is difficult as a parent to get the balance right, encouraging and stimulating on the one hand, not overpressurising on the other. To help us stay on the right side, we should:

. Spend time with, relax and enjoy a child whatever she is like. Childhood is very short - enjoy it. Make learning fun, not through flash cards but through social interaction and enjoyable situations.

. Provide time everyday for carefree play. Let a child have the time to explore and find our what she enjoys.

. Read and talk to the child as often as you can.

. Nurture any capabilities the child - has in a non threatening, stimulating manner.

. Accept the child's needs and desires. If a child has difficulties with certain things, support her in these, whilst ensuring she gets to do other activities she can do to well to develop her self esteem. We cannot all be good at everything.

. Never value achievements more than your child - or look as though you do! Some parents can get disappointed if their child does not live up to their expectations.

A child should not be measured by good and bad points. The world is full of people who develop late in life, or do some extraordinary things no one realised they where capable of. How a child does at school may bear no resemblance to what her life may become later.

Nurture and love her for what she is now!

. Listen to children. They all need balance with structured learning, and can only do as much as they can personally cope with.

When you value your child for what she is, and respect her for it, you help her grow into a happy, healthy, productive adult - and after all, isn't that what being a parent is all about?