"THEY READ my diary, every one of the private thoughts I have ever written down. I'll never trust them again. I'll never write another word again in my whole life."

Mary was a gifted writer who saw the unauthorised reading of her diary as the most serious intrusion into her private space. She felt deceived and exposed.

Her parents felt unable to cope with what they had read and Mary broke off all communications for a long period. It took a long time for the situation to heal and trust to be re established.

As parents we want to form part of our children's lives and to protect them from any potential danger. But we are also aware that our children are growing up and, as such, need their own private space. Our challenge is knowing when to step in to protect and when to "back off". Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time may produce the very opposite result to what we were aiming for.

As our teenagers grow up we may find they are slow in giving information that we may think we need: who they were with, what they were doing and why they come home far later than they should. As the gap in communication grows, so may our fears. The young person may now feel very threatened and, even if not involved in a dangerous activity, may be unwilling to give any information in case it is misinterpreted. Some may even resort to a lie to get out of a sticky question. And here lies the start of a very vicious circle.

If we view the lie from a personalised standpoint we will see our teenager as having deceived us. We will feel very let down. At the extreme, we may feel that the warm, close trust that existed before is now gone and that we will never be able fully to trust our beloved child again.

The more a blossoming young person is told this, the more he will accept the role. It is sad to hear a young person say: "There's no point, they are not going to believe me anyway - no matter what I say, they think it's a lie, so I don't bother talking anymore."

Both child and parents are grieving for the relationship, but neither can break out of the vicious circle of labels. Mum and Dad are cast as disbelieving cynics and the child adopts the role of liar and sneak - which a child can play for a lifetime.

Sometimes when we are fearful we do things that we normally would never do, and parents are no exception to this rule. We may become desperate for information about our children. Since we cannot gain it from them, we may resort to interrogating their friends or, as a last resort, reading private letters or diaries.

Diaries, letters, cupboards are sacred spaces for young people. They are places of learning and precious insights; they should always be treated as such by parents. Such an intrusion is a shattering breach of trust. It would need to be a very serious concern indeed for us to ever considering invading our child's space as we stand to lose far, far more in the long term than we ever gain in the short term.

SUPPOSE WE STAND back and admit that, on the emotional level, we may be devastated by the lie that our child told us, but on the intellectual level we view it not as any personal defect on the part of either party but as evidence of a breakdown in communication, in understanding, in trust.

Before we even approach our child we may start to ask ourselves some questions. For examples

. Why are we so fearful? Do we have real grounds for our fear or is it stemming from some experience in our own lives? If we have serious grounds for our fear we may need to seek advice from an expert before approaching our child. Less serious grounds for fears may be worked out with our partners.

. Do we really need to know this information? Will our knowing it make a difference? Will we be able to cope with the answer if we are told the truth? It may be a good idea for both parents to work out their standpoint on different eventualities before talking to the child.

. Was this information withheld from us so as not to cause us upset?

. Is this withholding of information merely an attempt to change the parent child bond into a more adult adult bond? Perhaps our young people are not saying that they do not love us, but that they would like to be treated as adult sons and daughters - as friends.

. How can we broach potentially difficult situations, in which our child may feel uncomfortable, or even threatened, and still communicate the fact that we still love them as much as ever?

In order to break vicious circles we need to create special time for ourselves. It is important to choose a situation in which the young person feels comfortable and which is conducive to the exchange of ideas. We must try to be as relaxed as possible, focusing on the welfare of the young person rather than on our own hurt.

We could choose to go for a late night drive, a walk on the beach or a cosy coffee in town. At these first meetings all we have to say is that we miss their company so much - that even though we have been so cranky, not for one second of that time did we ever stop loving them. That there is no statement they could utter or no news they could give us that would ever change that sentiment one whit.

We must expect no more information at this stage. The only function of this meeting is to reassure our children that they live in an atmosphere of love and acceptance.

If we assure our young person that we are available to talk we need to be. However, she may need to talk just at that time you are dashing out the door. If this happens - reverse! Take a few seconds to tell your loved one how delighted you are that she wants to talk.

We can take pains to plan a time which would be really good for both parties. We can assure the young person how much we will look forward to it. A big bear hug at this stage can span hours of talking.

We could treat this as a very special appointment and bring a treat that the young person really likes - a symbol to say that you were thinking about her during the day. It is useful to have a fire or candle lighting so that the focus of attention does not weigh heavily on the young person. It is advisable to ask as few questions as possible, to leave silences if you feel that that is what the young person needs.

Focus more on feelings than details. Some of the following questions may be helpful:

. Are you very upset?

. Why do you think that may have happened?

. Where do you think things may go from here?

We can reassure the young person that he or she is under no obligation to answer any question - just because a question is asked does not mean it must be answered. In this way they will not feel interrogated. If we feel at some point that we need to ask for specific details we could preface the question by saying: "I know I might sound a bit nosy asking this question, but the reason I'm asking is". We must also try to avoid jumping in with personal judgments.

When we approach these situations with loving concern we might see that what we saw as a disaster and a crisis turned out to be a blessing - the opportunity to get to know our loved one so much better. We mustn't be afraid to do this; you have done such a good job in the past as a parent, why should the future be any different?