Divorce really is bad for children

There is nothing to compare to a two-parent stable family, writes Tony Humphreys

Divorce and separation are generally bad news for children. So too, statistically, is being a member of a family other than one led by two parents of different sexes.

Simply put, there is nothing to compare to a two-parent stable family. However, the latter family is becoming less and less a reality.

In Europe between one-in-four and one-in-three marriages breaks down. What is even more alarming is that the interval between marriage and separation or divorce is narrowing, indicating that children are not enjoying a long period of settled family life.

For example, in Britain 25 per cent of all women in their thirties are divorced. The loss of a parental figure, usually the father, the break-up of the family home and battles about money and access to children are occurring earlier.

Single parenthood is rising inexorably. Between 30 and 40 per cent of all pregnancies occur outside marriage, the highest rate being in the main cities.

Furthermore, teenage pregnancy is on the rise. Teenage pregnancy, inadequate parenting, poverty and crime chase each other in a vicious cycle of cause and effect.

In Britain a third of all marriages end in divorce and one in four families with children is headed by a lone parent.

More and more research is showing that many children from fragmented or newly cobbled together families are troubled, troublesome and seriously depressed. Some are deeply disturbed.

Not surprisingly, these children do not do well at school. When you are troubled in your heart, it is very difficult to be involved in the affairs of the head.

A recent OECD study found that children of broken families are 40 per cent more likely to achieve poorly in school. Another report that looked at the effects of divorce and separation on children drew the bleak conclusion that children of separated families tend to gain fewer academic qualifications as well as being more likely to leave school and home early. They are also more likely to engage in anti-social or criminal behaviour and more likely to resort to smoking, drinking and illegal drug use.

Despite these findings it it hard to persuade parents, teachers, politicians, the media and the public that divorce and its results do affect children's physical, emotional and social welfare and their education. Research is routinely ignored.

It is difficult for those weighed down with the guilt of divorce "baggage" to face the truth, even when it is staring them in the face.

What is to be done? There is no suggestion here that unhappy couples should stay together for the children's sake. Such a sacrifice can often put an intolerable burden on the shoulders of the children, not to mind the parents themselves.

Certainly, with an eye to preventing turmoil in children's lives, more serious consideration needs to be given to choosing to have children. This holds true for a couple and for a lone parent.

The level of maturity of the adult is a crucial consideration, as well as the stability of the couple relationship for those couples who choose to have children. Education for parenting is also essential.

But what about those children who are the victims of the conflictual family situation? In the case of lone parents who have chosen to be without a partner, they need to seek all the support and help they can get. Many communities now have a Family Resource Centre which is supportive of all families in distress.

For the two-parent family, where parents have chosen to split-up, there is a need for the recognition of the fact that marital breakdown does not have to mean family breakdown. What is needed is an amicable parting, the maintenance by each parent of strong bonds of contact with each of the children and a visible co-operation between the parents in the management of the family. Concern, too, and involvement in the children's education are also needed.

What is frequently missed in the situation where a two-parent family becomes a one-parent family and the other parent, usually the father, has limited access rights, is the provision of opportunities for the children to voice their distress and any needs that arise from their upset lives.

It is also wise to involve the school in supporting the children of separated families. Indeed, schools may be the place where children, through personal development classes, can be given opportunities to "act out" their distress. There is certainly an urgent need for society to address the fall-out of marital breakdown in the lives of children.

• Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem: the Key to Your Child's Future