Adult offspring in parent trap

There is a sizeable number of men and women who remain tied to their mother's apron strings or to their father's control. These entrapped adult children have never left home; even within the confines of the home, some of these adults have not found their own physical space. Either they occupy the same rooms as their parents or their own rooms are invaded frequently by their parents.

Outside the home they have neither strong emotional or social connections. They are inextricably emotionally bound up with their parents and are subconsciously fearful of establishing any emotional commitments outside the home. Their relationship with their parents is still a child-parent one and there is no support or encouragement from parents, or other members of the family who have flown the nest, to free themselves of their emotional prison.

There are many reasons why such an unhealthy relationship develops between parents and adult children: a parent's own emotional baggage; parenting that was possessive or dominating; the transfer of unmet emotional needs to a son or daughter from a spouse who proved disappointing; the belief that children are there for parents; realistic fears of loneliness.

Definitely any of these show a failure in effective parenting, but also a failure of the parents to address their own vulnerabilities and dependencies and seek help to resolve them. Denial is a strong characteristic of parents who hold on to their children; they neither see the plight of their entrapped son or daughter nor their own unhappy enmeshment and poor self-reliance. This is a subconscious defence and works powerfully to maintain the status quo and not face difficult challenges.

There is no intention here to blame parents: they are victims of their childhoods and the emotional baggage they carried into their marriage and newly formed family. Nonetheless, there is a responsibility on all adults to ensure they do not pass on their problems to others, particularly to children. After all, children are dependent on parents for love, warmth, nurturance, shelter, education, clothing - and cannot afford to risk going against parents who block their emotional, social, sexual and spiritual progress. Conformity becomes a necessary survival strategy. The more intense and enduring are parents' blocks to children's freedom, the more difficult it is to cut the umbilical cord later on as a young or older adult.

Nonetheless, as for parents, adult children who continue to remain at home have a duty to love themselves, assert their own individuality, uniqueness and capability and their right to live their own lives. There are several behaviours that are typical of adults who remain stuck at home: being childish and dependent; being timid and fearful; conforming to the values, morals and wishes of parents; lacking in confidence; few or no contacts outside home; no intimate relationship; taking responsibility for parents' wellbeing; avoiding challenges.

Each one of the above behaviours poses a challenge to go in the opposite direction: become adult and independent; realise your own power; determine your own values, morals and wishes; build up your confidence; make contacts outside home; form an intimate relationship; allow parents to take responsibility for themselves; take on challenges.

However, it is not easy to achieve emancipation and because the risks are high, clever rationalisations are voiced. "My parents need me." "My parents have done so much for me; it is my duty to do the same for them." "My parents wouldn't hear of my leaving." "I would feel so guilty about leaving."

There is no doubt that the effort to tell parents that "it is time I began to live my own life" means risking the consequence of rejection, hostility, silent treatment and even parents becoming sick. However, there is a hidden issue and that is the fear that they themselves will not be able to cope on their own.

This is not surprising as they have not had the opportunities to stand on their own two feet, to hold their own no matter how difficult or trying things may be. What is sad is that the very dependence that led their parents to block their progress has now been repeated in them. A buildup of emotional and social skills, the creation of mature relationships and financial independence are going to be needed to prepare for their freedom flight. What helps enormously is support outside the home. In extreme cases professional support may be required.

Finally, it does help when these adult children realise that their parents managed without them for 20 to 30 years or more before they were born. Also their emancipation is the opportunity to create a mature, ongoing adult-to-adult relationship with their parents. Letting go does not mean breaking-off relationships.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist and author of The Family: Love It and Leave It.