A fine line to tread

BEING the parent of an adolescent may sometimes seem to require the skill of a tightrope walker. Parents must teeter precariously between over intruding into what should be a time of discovery, and growth and, on the other hand, not exercising sufficient vigilance over a teenager's activities.

Marie Murray, principal clinical psychologist at St Joseph's Adolescent and Family Services Centre, Dublin, is reassuring.

"Parents have an idea that there is a huge body of psychological knowledge available to other people and not to them. They may feel that they don't have vital information and that there is only one way to bring up an adolescent. They may feel very vulnerable. In fact, so often what is needed is simple common sense - praising the adolescent, being available, showing concern and setting limits. They don't have to immerse themselves in psychological theory," she says.

From the family perspective, the adolescent will have some mixed feelings about how much he or she wants to be left alone and how much he or she wants to be looked after. That is reciprocated by the parents' uncertainty about being underprotective or overprotective, she adds.

"Do the parents have difficulty with their `child' growing up and therefore stop, or be anxious about, the natural growth towards autonomy and independence, such as not letting the child move towards safe and correct independence, resenting their independence and their friends, feeling left out that the child might no longer wish to accompany them everywhere, to be as much with the family or confide as much in them?

"Are they fearful and suspicious of the adolescent? Do they question her or him in a way that leads the adolescent to decide that `I may as well do what they think I am doing' because they feel under suspicion and do not feel recognised when they are behaving well. Is the parent overtly critical of adolescents as a group and, by implication critical of their own adolescent in a way that adolescent feel is hurtful?"

In practical terms, the types of situation parents commonly have, to deal with include their child staying out too late at night, refusing to do something, or insisting on dressing in a particular way or being aggressive and rude.

Dr Nuala Healy, consultant child and family psychiatrist, says it's important for parents to realise that some acting out behaviour and some confrontational behaviour is normal and shouldn't be taken too seriously."

Most adolescents sail through to adulthood without any major problems but this doesn't mean that, the house won't be rocked with minor storms.

Healy suggests that parents realise that if their teenagers want to wear earrings or odd clothes or shout or bang doors, it's not that serious. In fact, it may not be worth arguing about. Murray suggests that parents choose their battles and reserve their energies for the really serious issues such as drugs and alcohol.

Tom Breen, psychotherapist, stresses the importance of the relationship between the parents and teenagers. He says that it is important to tackle major issues early and to leave lines of communication open.

Parents should be careful not to back themselves into corners. Murray says that phrases such as that's it, "if you don't like it, you can go somewhere else" and "I've had it with you," can be very hurtful. If a parent has put him or herself into this type of situation they should apologise and let the teenager know that, of course, they are concerned, suggests Breen.

A problem that often besets parents is that of setting reasonable limits on adolescent behaviour.

Murray says that if you set clear limits, adolescents certainly will challenge them, but they feel safer simply because they are challenging a boundary.

"PARENTS setting limits is also a sign of love and care. It's very important for parents to state the reason for setting the limit. They should explain it's for the teenager's safety rather than from a desire to ruin their lives. While they will give out about the boundaries, they actually are very happy about them . . . the child in them wants to be protected and minded," she explains.

She suggests using a little strategy and tact when needed. For instance, sleepovers in other people's houses could be dangerous as teenagers may concoct a story about where they are staying and whether there will be an adult present. Murray suggests that parents might try ringing the other parents, ostensibly to thank them for having their son or daughter to stay.

While strategy and a little thought and patience will tide most parents over their adolescent's growing up period, some parents are, of course, confronted with much more difficult problems.

Tom Breen says that the reality is that there are adolescents who may not be able to make it within the system and who are not going to get a job. He emphasises how little choice these children and their parents have. "Society needs to take this on," he says.